Sports. Just Plain Comfortable

Torrin Thatcher

After spending most of this weekend reading and watching the playoffs, I discovered how important it is to have all the proper elements while dedicating a whole day to being on my rear end watching TV.
Let us first begin with the pants that display the seriousness of a true weekend couch potato. Sweatpants, by rule 1.30.1, are the only way to go. Besides the sweet comfort they provide, which is obvious, there is more to this great gift of cotton. It goes with anything! How, then, do sweatpants get the edge over jeans, you ask? It’s only in the experimental stages, but sweatpants are expected to be awarded the prize for best pants for both indoor and outdoor use.
On a winter day in Appleton, there is nothing better than chilling indoors with these pants, then going outside — to eat during halftime — without being worried about your legs getting chilled.
Other nice things that sweatpants provide are the elasticity and multiple colors. How often is it acceptable to walk around in yellow pants? The only thing I dislike about my bottoms of choice is when people have stupid things printed on the butt. On second thought, it provides a nice excuse for a guy to check out a girl’s derriere.
Shoes are also often overlooked when indoors. When sitting down, I find myself putting my feet in many different positions throughout the tenure of chair or couch sitting. I put pressure on my soles, heels, toes and sides of my feet, so it is important to wear shoes that provide enough support for all sides so soreness does not overcome your pedals of choice.
Since we’re indoors in this situation, I usually think it wise to wear a strong slipper or shoe. Since slippers are usually worn indoors, we don’t have to worry about the dirtiness factor. But since shoes are sometimes used outdoors, I find it’s a good idea to have a pair of “indoor shoes.” These are always clean, so this provides an opportunity to elevate your feet on some other piece of furniture.
Slippers, on the other hand, sometimes slip to one side or just fall off completely. Since we’re attentive to the game or literature, we don’t want to waste time with a foot massage or constantly readjusting our foot position.
I think it’s a faux pas to go barefoot indoors. Some people are uncomfortable with bare feet or carry fungi that don’t care to be seen, so let’s at least always wear socks. Good? Good. Now that we have clothing covered, we can move onto other crucial components.
One must always be aware of the time of day. When in a room of windows, as any acclaimed couch sitter can tell you, glare is the devil’s playground. So if there’s a game on at noon or 3:15, you must be cautious of sunlight. Pretend you’re a vampire, so the rays will be the death of you. Nothing is more irritating than constantly having your eyes readjust from bright, to dark, to the TV screen, then having it get all messed up again from the ball in the sky. The only ball you should have to worry about has laces, stitches or seams on it.
As always, you want to avoid high-traffic areas. Nothing is more annoying than gusts of cold air from doors being opened or people talking to interfere with your reading and viewing. What do I hate the most? People asking the score of the game when they obviously don’t know or care who is playing. If they were interested or wanted to know, don’t you think they would put in the effort to sit down and watch? That may seem like a minor annoyance, but it upsets me to no end. Oh well, I suppose there could be worse things like annoying commercials.
Take this advice from me, a simple man who enjoys watching sports in the best environment possible.