Spring is here. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming and people are having allergic reactions to them. Allergies are one of the few pitfalls of the season and can be frustrating, but please, please, blow your nose. Sniffing, sneezing, coughing but mostly just the sniffing can be endlessly infuriating. It is difficult to navigate the treacherous waters of personal hygiene in a classroom setting but, in general, it is better to disturb the class by getting up to take care of your business than to sit there and stew in your own juices.
I think it is only fair to disclose at this point that sniffing is my biggest pet peeve. I hate it, and if you sniff, I will in turn hate you. With this in mind I encourage my two readers to keep in mind that there may be some Lawrentians whose biggest pet peeve is people who blow their nose in class. I can only reiterate the importance of the stepping out of class option mentioned above.
Now, we have all been caught in a situation where we a) run out of tissues b) are caught off guard by a sneeze or c) are to self-conscious to use a tissue in front of people. These are all valid and excusable reasons for sniffing, but don’t let it happen too often.
There are two kinds of sniffers: loud and proud, and frequent firers. Loud and proud sniffers are those who hock back large amounts of mucus every few minutes and who clearly are in desperate need of all the wonderful services a tiny tissue can provide. Frequent firers are those who engage in small little quiet sniffs frequently. While the latter is more annoying the former is gross. Gross and annoying. There you have it, the essence of sniffing.
So in a characteristic bout of laziness, I attempted to enlist someone else to write my column this week. Turns out most people don’t like to think about things or talk about stuff. Most people that is, except for Sir Alexander Edward Bunke. He stepped up to the plate to comment on the subject of sniffing, even though he admitted to being a sniffer himself (frequent firer). Here are a few wise things he had to say:
“My advice: reach for a tissue and let loose. Do it en masse, in threesomes, in twosomes, in Downer, in the Quad, in the Grill, in a hard hat zone. Trust me, it will make you so cool and soon you’ll have so many babies. Blowing one’s nose is the new Prichard’s column about stuff becoming the new stuff.”
Despite the reference to the Op-Ed section, all in all Mr. Bunke made some incredibly valid points. Why don’t you just blow your nose? It’s refreshing! Isn’t spring all about refreshing things? It’s time to do some spring cleaning. In your nose.
I know that by writing this I am inviting everyone who thinks they’re funny to sniff loudly next to me every time they see me. Too this I say: Please don’t. Those who know me well, know that I have an unfulfilled wish to fight someone — don’t make me make it you. Alex summed it up well when he said, “Because, you see, sniffing is tantamount to violating the honor code, doin’ drugs, and denying Jake Frederick’s hotness all at once.” Well said Alex, well said. May I get you a tissue?
Allergy season woes
