Just Give Up

Erin Campbell Watson

I can’t understand why I don’t have any luck hooking up with girls on this campus. My only contact with them seems to be when I’m drunk, which is okay with me, because I assume that most drunk girls are probably pretty willing to hook up with me, or anyone else, really. Since coming to college, I’ve tried unsuccessfully to flirt with girls I see, but I always receive a negative response. Recently, I’ve gotten fed up, and I’ve started trying to relate to girls in a different way, by attempting to demonstrate that I think as little of them as they think of me. I’ve tried asking girls to give me directions to Beansnappers, because I assumed that then they would think I was manly and sexy. I’ve also tried straight out suggesting that they probably want to make out with me, because they’re probably drunk and ready for anything. I’ve yelled sexually provocative things at them across the Quad, because I figured that would probably make them realize how eager I was to have sex with any of them. Oddly enough, the girls seem to respond as though what I’ve said is offensive, which I don’t get at all. I don’t understand why they don’t giggle and realize how funny, attractive and masculine I am, because that’s the persona I’m trying to convey.
-Forlorn Freshman

First, let me say that I’m pretty impressed that you were able to form enough sentences to write this letter. Second, I can only assume that you’ve never met a girl. Do you honestly expect any self-respecting woman to run across the Quad into your abusive arms after you suggest that she is probably looking forward to hooking up with you just because you think she’s drunk? If I were you, I would memorize those directions to Beansnappers, because that’s probably the only contact with sober women you’ll ever have. But then again, it’s probably easier for you that way.I am a graduating senior who has had fairly average success in my romantic endeavors while at Lawrence. Although I know I’m not ugly, I know my physical appearance is not equitable with attractive people in the Real World. I acknowledge that part of my romantic success at Lawrence has been due to the fact that I don’t look completely busted, and I’m quirky, which is a quality people here seem to prize above all else. I’m worried about my prospects in the dating world outside the Lawrence bubble. What if I never have another relationship again? Is there any hope for me?
-Basking in the Bubble

No — which is why you should take full advantage of something I (and others, I’m told) like to call “Last Chance ’08.” I’m confident that no matter who you are, within reason, there are at least a few underclassmen who have set their sights on you for some time. Like you, these underclassmen realize that their time is short, and they will be ready and willing to respond to your advances, because they don’t want to miss the opportunity to awkwardly and drunkenly spend the night with someone who will soon have graduated. Your limited time left here works in their favor because as soon as you leave, people will begin to forget about their indiscretion and stop making fun of them for doggedly pursuing you.
This works in your favor, because you will have an easier time finding suitable mates with no expectation of an annoying long-term relationship. Soon you will be able to leave Lawrence forever (which, in Lawrentian time, is actually only about five months), erasing the possibility of awkward encounters, at least for a little while.