The E-Spot

Ethan Denault

Though lampooned for centuries in student newspapers and by humorists across the globe, Canada has finally broken free from the stigma of being the second-best nation in North America and preeminent butt of all party jokes.
Wait a second, who am I kidding? I mean who could forget this classic: “Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his ass? Every time he sits down Quebec separates” (haha). Or what about this gem: “Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades and the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and lobbing them back” (hehe). Yes, hilarity at the price of our northern neighbors is something which will forever run in the blood of Americans (and those positioned directly below them), passed down through the generations.
Yet, this past week something happened in Canada which suddenly forced the world to view Canada as something more than just a winter wonderland harboring but a few cheap beer factories: a local ferry operator in Manitoba captured almost three minutes of precious Bigfoot footage.
For those who have been hiding under a rock for the past 38 years, Bigfoot is a monster gorilla who lives somewhere in northern California. In 1967 a man named Roger Patterson filmed what appeared to be a massive primate tramping through the woods near his home just south of the Washington border. Anthropologists immediately claimed that the footage was a hoax, that the ape was nothing more than a human dressed in a gorilla costume. Believers are inclined to see the footage as proof that a large primate still exists in North America. They also regularly claim to have been abducted by alien spacecrafts and whatnot, but that’s just a side note. The recent sighting of Bigfoot in Canada raises an extremely important question: what the heck was Bigfoot doing in Canada, eh? I called Canadian expert Pierre Delmonte head of Canadian studies department at Canada University for some answers.
According to Professor Delmonte the reasons for relocating to Manitoba are plentiful. As the website points out, the number of females to every male is roughly 4-to-1. Delmonte pointed out that May is also the prime mating season for Canadians, who rush to reproduce before the winter storms take over in mid-July. Therefore, what better place for Bigfoot to find a mate than in Manitoba, eh? Oh yah, and what if Bigfoot is female? That’s fine as well. Manitoba is paving the way for gay rights in Canada, offering many same-sex couples benefits on par with traditional families.
Delmonte also noted that the number of Manitoba biker bars has skyrocketed as a result of an influx of tattoo parlors, both reaping the benefits of the province’s Amish population moving to warmer climates such as Key West and Cuba.
While these may only be a few of the reasons Bigfoot was seen in Canada, I’ve developed my own thesis. Rik Warch, while at first believing that retirement was a lovely option, has found out what any individual at AARP will tell you – retirement blows! Therefore with the help of Tim X. Troy he carefully constructed a giant ape costume and traveled to Manitoba, where the ratio of females to males was decidedly in his favor. On the way he got a sweet tattoo of the band “Heart” on his tooshie, did wheelies on his Harley in front of a group of scared Amish schoolchildren, realized the ape suit was only a burden and ran in front of a ferry operator in the nude – hence the pictures. Folks, this is only speculation. Time for another Molson, eh?