Just Give Up

Erin Campbell Watson

Now that you don’t live with your mom anymore, it’s a great time to explore yourself, including unattractive facial hair options. The best thing to do is allow your beard to grow to such an extent that when you come home for Thanksgiving, it will be unclear whether you have been living in an unimproved cabin, or whether you have simply been away at college for a couple of months. This will assert your independence and show how much importance is placed on physical grooming at Lawrence.
Declaring your recently discovered interest in the philosophical aspect of religion will earn you huge points with the ladies, and any of the half-breed hipsters left on campus. It is wise to take Hinduism, and proclaim to be considering a minor in religious studies. Everyone will think you are smart and thoughtful. You would never want to actually go so far as to practice any religion at all, not only because it takes a huge chunk out of your social schedule, but because that’s not the cool part.
If you have an attractive roommate, or a roommate from a strict or adamantly Christian family who has felt oppressed in the past, it’s best to make some friends with futons, unless you feel comfortable sleeping in the lounge or sharing your bedroom with two people who are not very interested in sleep.
The health center is the most affordable supplier of the morning-after pill. The health center is also closed on Saturday and Sunday mornings, which means by the time you trot over there, you will be pushing your 72 hour limit. Best to wait to act on your urges until Sunday night, at the latest, so that on Monday morning, you will be in the clear.
Because unfortunately, your mother is not running for vice president, so no one will view your unplanned pregnancy as a cute little “blessing.”
Because you are a freshman, Travis Fondow will probably have already thought of many reasons why you should consider dating him, or at least consider giving him a passionate, drunken evening of your time. Do not be persuaded. It is not a good idea. Actually, although it may seem like an instant shot at popularity and coolness, dating upperclassmen is a pretty stupid idea. It will only make everyone question your standards and your intelligence as you jump at a chance to date the same guys we’ve been rejecting for three years.

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