Ethan’s Fourth Column

Ethan Denault

Unfortunately, this week opened on a note of sadness. Management at the great Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum announced that it was going to break up the celebrated Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston waxwork exhibit following news of their split in late January. In the original depiction Brad and Jennifer are embracing each other in what can only be described as “a scene of lewdness common only at Park Central” — Jennifer’s left hand rests delicately on Brad’s pectoral muscle and her right hand softly cups his right ass-cheek while her bosoms press firmly against his right arm. So apparently I’ve studied the photo…
In any event, as news of the wax split slowly spread through the Lawrence University campus there was a mixture of shock and disbelief. Justin Eckl, a senior government major from Lake Geneva, Wis., dripped a few tears when he heard the news.
“I can’t believe they’re doing this. After all they’ve been through. I mean c’mon, how could they? Cut the two some slack. Now I know they’ll never get back together and it horrifies me,” Justin said, feverishly dry-humping his cardboard cutout of Jennifer, which dates back to the late 1990s.
Others displayed milder reactions. Phi Tau Nathan Kish, a junior from Pennsylvania, pontificated on some poignant critiques of the couple prior to their split.
“Brad’s a big girl. First, he can’t play guitar, second, he can’t play guitar, and third he can’t play the [edited] guitar! Now how’d he expect to keep a total babe like Jenny? Duh, he couldn’t. Now if she’d been married to a real dude like Yngwie Malmsteen or something, we wouldn’t even be in this situation in the first place. F— you, Bradley! You dumb lass!”
As I walked back to my dorm I played back the tape-recorded interviews I’d gathered. Strangely, I realized that I had somehow recorded myself singing “Baby Got Back” in the shower. I stopped. What could this mean? I knew my melodic tenor voice did not need lessons. Then it hit me.
Why not create our own wax museum right here on campus. We’d make money, and we’d laugh (things this column fails miserably to stimulate), and more importantly it would be a way for us to be remembered even after we leave this fabulous institution. So I decided to come up a top ten list of potential wax exhibits.1. The obligatory wax Julian Pereira (or insert favorite alcoholic) pounding a wax Bud Light – nothing more to say on that one.
2. A wax hug between former president Rik Warch and hotel mogul Donald Trump, who seem to be blessed with the same plug of hair.
3. A wax vegan eating wax pastrami on rye – I’ve always wanted to see that.
4. A wax Japanese swim team – tons of potential here – possibly suspend them above the Rec Center pool.
5. A wax joining of the LU Swing Dancers and those other folk dancers whose median age is fifty (possibly former LU Swing Dancers).
6. A wax image of the Dungeons and Dragons club’s mock fights – so I could finally figure out how to perform the “I’ll-hit-you-in-the-arm-with-my-rubber-thingy-and-pretend-it’s-a-real-sword-and-you-have-to-pretend-you-lost-your-arm-hehe.”
7. A massive wax vagina – sponsored by V-Day – that all incoming freshmen are required to walk through on the way to the Matriculation Convocation.
8. A wax Nisha Anand (or insert favorite cell phone abuser) dialing an enormous wax cell phone.
9. A wax Senior Streak exhibit complete with the necessary touchups, and thorough airbrushing.
10. A wax International dinner with wax jerk-chicken and wax coconut rice and cheaper wax tickets.