When we last left our hero he was busy making drunken phone calls, and immediately afterward writing a tasteless column justifying his puerile actions. Now he’s promised to help you find love. After all, Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and I’ve taken it upon myself to help you hapless creatures find romance in this time of need.
First, let us begin with a basic thought: What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right, don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt.
Okay, sorry for the “Ladies Man” digression but it seemed appropriate. So let’s get back on track. And that would be … umm, oh yeah … me trying to help you find love on the internet.
We begin with Lavalife.com, a dating search engine with over eight million members. Here, you can search for the perfect mate by city. In fact, Appleton is listed. However – chiefly to avoid lawsuits- I have chosen Green Bay as our test setting.
After exhaustive research, I weeded out some of the losers and plucked – I said plucked – a few of the girls that are just moments from meeting Mr. Right.
First we have Kimberly. She’s Aboriginal, loves dancing, drinking, smoking, New Kids On The Block, Billy Joel, doesn’t shave (probably not) and has had three children with a previous German/Hungarian lover. Before you go clicking away kids, a word of advice. As great-grandfather Denault used to say, “don’t venture to the down under unless you really have to – it’s simply a waste of time.”
Next up we have “Deeply Self-Conscious seeks Life Partner.” She likes go-karting, wakeboarding, Chinese buffets and considers herself “large, but it’s all cool.” She is currently childless but hopes to have a son someday and it has to be a boy. Wow, a “boy son” – haven’t seen one of them in a really long time
After a few minutes of searching, along came Daryl. She’s “originally from Canada but now resides in De Pere because she works for Verizon Wireless which transferred her there because they gave her a raise which made her happy and she called her dad who was happy too and then she went out and partied until she puked all over some strangers [sic] car, and the puke was all [edited] and filled with [edited].” She also seems like a talker but forgot to mention that.
Samantha is a ”Naughty Hooters Waitress.” She is half Mohawk Indian and half Finnish – how that happened I have no idea – and, from what I gathered, is actually quite naughty. She likes watching naughty videos, talking naughtily on the phone, walking around her apartment in naughty little outfits and doing very naughty things to very nice people.
Another very worthy site for love is cupid.com. There, you can expand your search to include not only men and women, but couples and groups as well.
SweetSexySteph was from Madison and described her perfect date as one which includes a fireplace, a bearskin rug, hemp rope and some red wine. Her favorite activities included erotic bubble baths and role-playing. Do we need to look any further?
Peaches252 is tired of staying home on weekends with her 3-, 6-, and 19-year-old sons. She wants to get out and have fun with “several man [sic] who like motorcycle gangs” and, from what I learned likes to partake in other group activities as well.
Bambi666, like the aforementioned SweetSexySteph, also likes bearskin rugs, candles and red wine. However she also likes orgies with more than 12 people, hot wax, submission positions – I’m not sure who’s “on top” – and walking around nude in her house, which she shares with three male bulldogs. Her headline was ”tell me how you like it.”
Isn’t that sweet? She sounds very giving.
Ethan’s Second Column
