The Lawrence sporting community gained another award this past week as Dave Brown won the NCAA Football C1oach of the Year Award. Brown is the first Viking coach to win the award, and is in fact the first Lawrence Coach to win a national coaching award. The Vikings finished their season 0-10 this year, but “Coach Brown always thought we could win.” Said former Viking quarterback R.J Rosenthal. “Coach Brown may not be able to win the big game, much less any game, but at least he believes we don’t suck.” commented Rosenthal.Brown in accepting the award commented on his career as head coach of the Vikings. ‘Well I may not be able to field a competitive team, but at least I always think I can win. I know my record is a piece of shit, I know I can’t win the big game. Hell I can’t win any game that matters worth a damn. I know I am the worst coach that Lawrence football has ever had, but I still cherish this NCAA award for Coach of the Year.”
NCAA spokesman Stu Pidshit stated to us that, “Coach Brown is the epitome of what we look for in a college football coach. He may not be able to win a fucking game, but damn does he believe in his team. Who gives a fuck if they suck, as long as he thinks they can win, even though the student body thinks he sucks, that’s all that matters.”
When we asked members of the Lawrence student body about Coach Brown, most didn’t know whom the fuck he was. Once told, the majority said who the fuck cares, we are conservatory students after all, like we give a flying fuck about football. Finally we came about a student who knew about Coach Brown. Neddy Bork, who regularly attends home Viking football games, commented on coach Brown.
“Why the fuck does he get a National Coaching award! He didn’t win a fucking game. Fuck he hasn’t even won ten fucking games in five fucking years. Shit I wish he would get is fucking ass fired, not win fucking awards.” Of course we didn’t realize till later the question was asked that Bork has a problem with profanity.
Coach Brown replied to Bork’s statement by saying, ” Fuck him, its not like he actually matters. Its not like he works for the student newspaper or anything. He can criticize me all he wants, but I don’t give a damn. I’m still getting paid. I just won a national award. Tell Mr. Bork to fuck off.”
LU Athletic Director Slim Batro commented that she was very pleased by Brown’s award, and even though he went 0-10, since he won an national award there would be no way she would fire him. “I don’t care if he can’t win a damn game, if he keeps winning awards, he will be our football coach forever. Hell I don’t even know what football is. Go Viking Softball!”
Coach Brown had one last comment to make, ‘Yeah I can’t win, I know it, but I’m damn good at getting recruits. So what if they have an ACT of 14, at least they can continue the streak of screwing over Lawrence football until they decide to throw my ass out.”
Congrats Coach Brown, and good luck next year. I know we will be waiting for another 0-10 season. It’s only what we deserve for recruiting Conservatory students more then athletes!