Wow, what can I say? My favorite time of the year has finally rolled around. This week is just packed with party potential. First we have Cinco de Mayo. This rocking little holiday celebrates all things Mexican – sombreros, taco dip, beverages with worms, even jumping beans, and boy let me tell you, any country that can develop an acrobatic bean is on par with Japan if you ask me. Now, you may ask what are the origins of this festive festival? As with most holidays, it has something to do with pi¤atas and beating the French and spicy chutney.
Next we have Mother’s Day. This is truly my favorite holiday of them all. It commemorates a time in our lives when we received free room and board (i.e. meals included) for nine months. To commemorate all you mothers out there who read my column – at last count I think there were three — I’ve decided to write a poem dedicated to you, our source of often-unconditional love and support. So here’s to the mothers,
The great and the small,
Those who helped with college,
Or contributed nothing at all
Who lent us some life
With the help of some sperm
And squandered all our allowance
To pay for their perms
To all the hip mothers
Who forgave DUIs
And didn’t care when we brought home
A date with massive thighs
To all the wonderful mothers
Who beat us not once
Even though we stared for hours
At the opposite sex’s rumps
For this I am thankful and will praise you
On end
Until you realize I sold father’s Playboys
To his brother Ben
Yada, yada, yada…
So yes. To all you mothers, you rock. Drink one for me this Cinco de Mayo.