Texas Chainsaw Massacre: A remake not worth making

Carrie Cleaveland

I’ve never seen the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, so all I knew about the remake going in was what I saw in the theatrical trailers, which, if you haven’t seen them, were pretty scary. I assumed that if the trailers were enough to freak me out, the movie would definitely blow me away. I was wrong.

TCM is quite possibly one of the year’s biggest wastes of time and money. As horror films go, it’s nothing new. The plot is predictable, the characters are hackneyed, and even the violence fails to impress; the movie even ends on, yes, a dark and stormy night.

We’ve been there, we’ve done that, and we’re bored with it.

Moreover, there were parts that just didn’t make sense. An entire clan of creepy people aided Leatherface in killing the protagonists, and upon leaving I couldn’t possibly tell you why. So I checked out a few Internet sites, and apparently the lot was a cannibalistic cult. If indeed they were, there is nothing in the movie to support that.

Leatherface is the movie’s interesting character; audiences are rather indifferent to whether or not Jessica Biel makes it out alive. And yet Leatherface receives very little attention. He has no back-story, and no motivation aside from the fact that he essentially has no face and therefore needs yours.

Now, obviously he isn’t going to sit down and have a Barbara Walters interview, but flashbacks or even tours of a too-creepy house can do a lot for characterization.

The very brief police video tour at the beginning and end of the movie was far more interesting and frightening than the movie in its entirety.

TCM is not without its adrenaline-pumping moments, but they are far too few, and on the whole the movie wasn’t particularly scary. My friend, who spent half the movie cowering between my shoulder blades, however, would probably say different.

As I walked out of the theater, a man shuffled past me muttering to himself, “Not one person screamed… NOT a good horror movie.”

I wholeheartedly agree. D