Hippo City

James Eric Prichard

As the most popular writer on campus, I now want to extend my popularity to the Internet. Fortunately, I know how to become popular online: by talking about Ron Paul.Ron Paul is the biggest joke in the world. A lot of people whose lives are chiefly spent on their computers care a lot about Ron Paul. These people, the set of whom intersects greatly with the set of 9/11 Truthers, follow him despite knowing very little about him.

Most people don’t know that Ron Paul is a doctor. (Actually, most people in the real world don’t know about Paul at all.) This seems like a noble profession, but instead of being a heart surgeon like Bill Frist, his “expertise” is in ob/gyn, making him a big-time pervert.

Paul originally entered politics because he became frustrated with the government’s greater abandonment of the gold standard. Most politicians enter the arena to better the world or gain power, but Paul did so because of his strange affinity for gold. He’s like your lovably senile grandfather who tells you to invest in gold because he doesn’t trust paper or fax machines.

This would-be alchemist won elections in Texas (where, by the way, he was BFF with Dubya and Tom DeLay) because all the mothers and babies whom he touched at his hospital voted for him. CNN hasn’t jumped on the fact that his support-base consists of women with whom he has had personal relations only because they recognize that he cannot win the election; to do so would be like criticizing a World Series run by the Brewers.

Since reaching Capitol Hill, Paul has amused himself by pretending that he lives in the 1790s. He has decided to defer all political questions to rich white men who lived in an era before guns were invented. Paul’s political and probably romantic decisions are always made for him by the Constitution and only the Constitution, a document as irrelevant as The Bible.

Paul’s accomplishments as a Congressman include publishing slanderous newsletters and taking time off from work to continue his “medical practice.” He also sought to impose term limits in the House of Representatives because he would rather make all of his co-workers mad at him than get something done.

Despite being unqualified to run the world’s biggest country, Paul is running for President anyway. Maybe his campaign is to make a point, namely, “Wasting money is fun.” Millions of dollars have been donated to his campaign, the greatest waste of resources since the Career Center’s gratuitous postering. Literally hundreds of vocal Internet nerds have pledged their time and chastity to his cause.

Why do these nerds love Ron Paul? The public continually shows their apathy for him, yet the annoyingly vociferous web junkies remain dedicated to him. This question has two answers, one for each key Pauline demographic. Ron Paul, with his love for the slave-owning era, refuses to enter into our modern society, preferring to live in a make-believe land.

His inability to grapple with reality speaks to the nerds who consider Slashdot a legitimate news source and have bad facial hair. Paul’s second demographic is middle-aged anti-Bush conservatives who want an isolationist politician but cannot allow themselves to vote for a minority or a woman. With these backers, Paul believes that he has a chance at the White House. I would urge you to rally against his campaign, but that is really unnecessary.