The Lawrence Love Column

Zach Patrick-Riley and J.B. Sivanich

This week I’d like to welcome a very special guest and friend of mine to the love lounge: J.B Sivanich. He is a political opinion columnist for this very newspaper but has decided to join me in discovering a much more pertinent and worldly issue: Facebook.
Here goes:
When does looking at a girl’s Facebook profile become stalking?
J.B.: More than three times a day.
ZPR: Unless it’s been a long Saturday and you’re drunk which then makes it permissible to hit four or five. Or if you just broke up, then you have unlimited access before feeling guilty. Make it your homepage for all I care!Dear LLC,
I have a crush on a girl in my Freshman Studies class, but she’s not on Facebook.
J.B.: Whoa, whoa. No Facebook = no go. Let’s look at this logically — there are only three reasons someone doesn’t have Facebook: 1) They don’t speak English and/or don’t know how to use a computer; 2) They are in the final stages of overcoming the Facebook addiction and had to terminate their profile; 3) They are overly pious and get off on calling other Facebookers superficial (which is by far the worst).
ZPR: [Interjects with a wave of his right middle finger.]
J.B.: Not having a Facebook is tantamount to shutting yourself off from the world, rejecting everything that is sacred and just about Western society. If you are crazy about this girl, be my guest, but don’t come back writing to this love column asking for advice because you two are stuck holding hands in Downer B all alone, trying to use overzealous public displays of affection to make up for the lack of conversation because you ran out of things to say after three hours, and you’ve been together continuously for the last 40.
ZPR: If she’s simply breathtaking and falls into the third category, then you have a moral obligation to take her off her self-placed pedestal. Here are five steps to doing so: 1) Charm her — she will probably be cold and think you’re just the little squirt who talks too much in class, but she will give in; 2) Win her over — these pious types still hold on to the little girlish notion of chivalry, so flowers are a good bet; 3) After a week or two of dating make some lofty argument how its important that she has a Facebook and that you two are “In a Relationship” because you want to declare your love from the highest hill top/most-frequented social networking database; 4) Once she makes a profile, you win; and 5) you can proceed to do whatever you like i.e. poke, propose to or dump her. etcetera.

Dear LLC,
Ok, so my backup at least has a Facebook, but she has “The Notebook” under her favorite movies.
J.B. Jesus Christ, Mac — I mean Cam — what are you doing? I’m handing this one over to ZPR.
ZPR: All right, so my last girlfriend liked “The Notebook,” and “Gilmore Girls” and Hilary Duff and James Blunt and “America’s Next Top Model” and… well, you get the picture. The question is, where does it stop? Next thing you know you’ll realize that it’s the World Series and you missed all the divisional playoffs being tugged around like a shopping cart.
J.B.: Mac — uh, ***Cam*** — I think your biggest problem is that you have to realize that there are perfectly eligible girls outside your Freshman Studies class. Go to Soundboard — that’s where all the freshman girls go thinking they’re going to pick up upperclassmen before realizing it’s just Skyler. Go to those shitty freshman parties on Plantz fourth floor. I don’t know, just branch out a little.
ZPR: I must say I do give you credit on your work ethic. It’s hard work Facebooking every girl you see, but one thing that Freshman Studies won’t teach you is that only the tough survive. But don’t worry Mac Watson, eventually we’ll turn you from a Mac Donald to a Mac Daddy.
Just never stop Facebooking.