A Lawrentian employee with whom I sometimes consort recently asked me if I knew of any campus news stories for an upcoming edition of the campus newspaper. At first I didn’t think much of it: Perhaps he or she was merely fishing for a few interesting feature pieces or filler articles. It wasn’t until he or she pestered me for a second time that I discovered, to my dismay, there is no news. Literally. There is nothing on which to report.This is troubling. I suggest that we as a campus band together and swiftly make amends. It is time to do some “newsworthy shit.” There, I have just created news. I wrote the word “shit” in The Lawrentian. Freshmen will be discussing this for days. Thus, as you can see, it is not so hard to give birth to news. Here are some headlines that, if we worked together, could appear in forthcoming issues of The Lawrentian:
“Art students create human Lawe Street bridge”
“Campus center progress webcam vanishes mysteriously”
“First floor of Mudd Library achieves total silence”
“Campus security officer forced to exit SUV to cross human Lawe Street bridge”
“SOUP ‘Big Event’ actually big”
“Campus center webcam found in Sage bathroom, Shower Peeper rejoices”
“Human Lawe Street bridge collapses due to pretension”
“Professor Goldgar achieves absolute zero with cold stare”
“LUCC mistakenly exhausts funds on carryout from Hunan 1”
“Lawrence Christian Fellowship terrorized by Lawrence Pagan Fellowship”
I hope I have instilled the first few sprinkles of an epic brainstorm that will result in flash floods of news around campus. And if all else fails, The Lawrentian can fall back on the news that Dumbledore is gay.
Alex Bunke