Lawrence basketball team mounts spring break trip, Virginia Wesleyan

Steve Martin

Just for the hell of it, Lawrence University’s men’s basketball team took a spring break trip to Salem, Va. in order to take on “national champions” Virginia Wesleyan.
“You know, it was great to take some time off and finish up my straight-A term with a killer job on finals, and we were all just a little bit disappointed after Illinois Wesleyan,” said Vikings captain Kyle MacGillis. “But hey, it felt good to go down there and kick the living shit out of Wesleyan.”
While Virginia Wesleyan beat Illinois Wesleyan for the title by a mere 3 points in a low-scoring final, Lawrence adopted a unique strategy for the grudge match, which they won 73-62, while playing the second half blindfolded and drunk.
In order to mount a strong defensive stand, Lawrence opted never to step past mid-court for the first half in order to guard against the fast break. Bradley was 6 for 10 from beyond half-court, and MacGillis tossed in a no-look finger roll from the opposite free throw line while the Lawrence pep band attempted to play the Harlem Globetrotters’ theme, “Sweet Georgia Brown.”
“This game is so fucking awesome,” screamed senior Rob Strelow while counting off “Smoke on the Water.”
Lawrence opted not to play all-American Braier offensively at all, having him stand in Virginia’s paint for the whole game.
“I may have won the Jostens Trophy for academic, athletic and community achievement, but who says I’m above kicking ass and taking names?” Braier said.
Virginia is not taking the loss sitting down, partially because, after the loss, they are having quite a tough time sitting down. Virginia’s promoter, Don King, held a press conference calling for a rematch in Atlantic City over reading period.
Coach John Tharp, sporting the beginnings of an Afro and a gaggle of bling, assured King that the title is indeed Lawrence’s, foo’.
In other news, Braier was seen walking atop the Fox River on Tuesday, shooing away river flies but making extra sure not to hurt any of them.
“After all,” Braier said, “Every living thing has value.