In eight months I will leave these hallowed halls of learning for a high-profile job with a monstrous salary. Before I graduate, however, I must accomplish a few things.
First, I will kick a freshman’s ass. I have become frustrated with these babies over the past few years, with them crowding Downer after Freshman Studies, being excited to make friends, and asking me where Raymond House is. This year someone will atone for the sins of his (or her) peers and predecessors.
Next, I will meet the unmet goals set by previous LUCC administrations. Many candidates have made bold promises and failed to deliver after realizing that their ideas were stupid and would take too much work. Fear not, frustrated Lawrentians: I will save this campus.
I would also like to make more enemies. While I genuinely appreciate many people here, there are others who I dislike greatly. I have kept my mouth shut to ameliorate social situations, but the time has come to tell people what’s on my mind. Class of 2008, let’s burn some bridges.
Most student workers earn approximately the same wages, and yet some students do far less work than others, especially the monitors of academic buildings. This inequality is deepened by the fact that many with sinecures do not even complete their most basic duties. Before I graduate, I would like to get some of these people fired. Maybe I will plant marijuana on them and then call the police.
Along the same lines, I want to see some dumb students kicked out of school. In June, many inadequate intellectuals will enter the real world with a degree from Lawrence University, driving down the value of my future diploma faster than the U.S. dollar. In order to ensure my own future, I need to either get these kids expelled or convince them to transfer.
While we’re ruining lives, let’s tank some GPAs. While some let schooling interfere with their educations, others let the almighty A interfere with everything. I would love nothing more than to see a few grade-grubbers pick up some B-minuses, and I think that we could achieve this goal if we work together to sabotage them.
I am not entirely selfish, however, and I want to do something that would benefit the entire campus, something to which no one would object. Therefore, in my final year at Lawrence, I would like to permanently dissolve SoundBoard, both as a theme house and as a student organization.
We’re Seniors, Let’s Go Nuts
