yCampus opens Metaphysical Plant

In order to address the wave of work orders to Physical Plant, campus officials elected Monday to form a new Metaphysical Plant. The controversial new department was added after many other options, such as adding more staff or rehiring long-time Physical Plant director John Moder, were dismissed.
Starting April 12th, the new department will receive all work orders. Metaphysical Plant will be responsible for ascertaining metaphysical certainty about each order before handing it off to Physical Plant.
When asked what, specifically, the department would address, Professor of Philosophy Tom Ryckman said that possible avenues for inquiry by Metaphysical Plant would include, “Does this work order participate in the Form of Work Order?” “Who can be considered responsible for this work order?” “How can we know things such as work orders exist?” “Assuming that work orders exist, is this a work order?” and “Is this work order the result of free will, or was it destined to occur?” Until such questions are fully answered, work orders will remain with Metaphysical Plant.
“Having Metaphysical Plant will allow Physical Plant to avoid having to deal with work orders which may not, in fact, exist,” said Ryckman.
Most of Lawrence’s faculty has offered its support for the new department. The Math, Art and English departments in particular voiced its support, save for recently deceased Professor Goldgar. Some protests against the department have come from the Biology and Chemistry departments, and lone Philosophy Department holdout Professor John Dreher.
“What’s this?” Dreher said, waving a pen and grinning widely. “A pen. Now what is it really? I bet the Metaphysical Plant would duck if you threw a rock at them. Does a six-pack of Doppelbock beer exist? I’m pretty sure it does, because I just drank one.”
Professor of Philosophy Patrick Boleyn-Fitzgerald will be offering a class on Metaphysical Plant Ethics next fall.