Featured alcohol: isopropyl

Steve Martin

Some choose rum, others vodka, and some even prefer whiskey or gin, but our favorite alcohol of all time is isopropyl alcohol. It’s this sweet, spicy liquor that really gets us excited.
There are many reasons to celebrate the joys of isopropyl alcohol, and chief among them is the price! While a liter of vodka can cost between $10 and $100, a bottle of rubbing alcohol is just two bucks! What’s even better, isopropyl alcohol is way stronger than regular liquor, so you can get a buzz way faster.
Isopropyl alcohol can be found in most drugstores, and can even be purchased by minors. This is good news for all you underclassmen who are tired of paying off your senior friends to buy you pricey booze like Fleischmann’s vodka. And don’t let those labels fool you: the FDA may say that isopropyl alcohol is nonpotable, but trust us when we say it goes down just fine.
While traditionally, isopropyl alcohol has been used by vagrants, hobos, alcoholics and atheists, there are plenty of tasty drinks out there you can make with this lovely liquor. Our favorite is a straight shot of rubbing alcohol. Just lick some salt off your hand, take the shot, and chase it with some children’s aspirin. This one is guaranteed to warm you up.
Our favorite isopropyl cocktail is a simple affair. Simply pour equal parts rubbing alcohol, cherry cough syrup, and Pepto-Bismol into a shaker filled with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
So get out there and enjoy your isopropyl drinks. You can expect this, the king of liquors, to warm you up, make the room spin, and cause nausea, vomiting and comas. Cheers!