Bjorklunden goes Big

Steve Martin

Bjorklunden director Mark Breseman announced last week that the addition planned for the lodge will be slightly larger than originally planned.
The addition, which was originally slated to double the size of the lodge, will be built this fall. Thanks to an unexpected amount of generosity during fundraising, though, the addition will now be about 10 times the size of the original lodge.
“We were really surprised by how much people were willing to give,” said Breseman. “Since we have the extra money, we’ve decided to add a few new features.”
These features will include a casino, indoor golf dome, and gentlemen’s club.
President Beck lauded the plans for the bigger and better Bjorklunden. “We finally have a place where students can go to work with their peers and professors, plus enjoy nickel slots and $1 domestic pints,” Beck said. “We also look forward to the revenue that the casino will bring to the university, which will go directly toward financing the off-shore drilling project we plan to launch next year.”
Bjorklunden chef Steve Martin is especially excited about the gentlemen’s club. “It’s nice to have a place to relax after work,” said Martin. “There isn’t much to do up here in the winter, so it’ll give me something to look forward to during the day. Plus, I’m coming up with a great menu of hot wings and fried cheese curds for the bar and martinis and caviar for the cigar lounge.”
Not everyone is happy about the recent announcement, however. Some students are worried about the ecological impact of a casino on the 425 acres of wilderness that comprise Bjorklunden.
“We’ve taken every possible step to avoid harming the environment,” countered Breseman. “For example, the parking garage will be fitted with solar panels in order to decrease the use of fossil fuels.”
“All in all,” continued Breseman, “I think this is a great step for Bjorklunden and Lawrence. This is where students can learn the skills they really need: counting cards and tipping strippers.”
Students interested in enrolling in Introduction to Bouncing, Poker: 1933-1945, or Advanced Cocktail Waitressing for the 2006-07 school year should contact the Registrar’s Office.

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