Love, Indubitably

James Eric Prichard

(Brent Schwert)

Dear Dr. Eric,
I’m thinking of dating Travis Fondow. Thoughts?
– NoraDear Nora,
Usually when people are interested in potential mates they find information about the candidate which assists their decisions. They usually interrogate their friends who know the candidate fairly well.
I do not know Mr. Fondow very well, nor am I your friend, but you still did the smart thing by coming to me. My experience at Lawrence has taught me that I am the only person here capable of making decisions regarding relationships.
Despite my capabilities, the initial barrier remains: I am not well acquainted with T-Fond. This barrier is nevertheless surmountable. I know a Web site which has information about nearly everyone at Lawrence.
I have analyzed Mr. F’s Facebook profile in between reading white supremacist Web sites on the Mudd’s public access computers. To answer the important questions, he is both single and interested in women, but from there his profile goes downhill.
He’s Libertarian. How stereotypical. He’s also a Unitarian. For those of you unfamiliar with Unitarianism, it’s basically the worst religion out there. Most Unitarians are people who want to believe in a religion but are too afraid to believe in something awesome like a Christ who comes back from the dead after fighting the Devil for three days. Travis’ wishy-washy religious beliefs indicate an inability to commit.
Travis’ group memberships hold no more promise. He holds the title “President” in the group “Lambda Sigma made my life!” Ouch. They don’t call it Lame-da Sigma for nothing. Lambda Sigma is a sham whose members “volunteer” in order to mask its true meaning: to exist. I hate to think what James Hall would say about the president of this “honor society.”
Mr. Fondow is also a member of “Plantz Hall Staff 2006-2007.” I can’t decide if I want to make fun of him for this or not, but God knows I could.
The profile improves when you arrive at his education and work information. He majors in Spanish and works as a pool boy. Who wouldn’t want a hot little cabana boy speaking Spanish to you? You could lounge around your swimming pool as he removes the leaves which have fallen in with a net.
When he asks if he can get you a drink, you could close your eyes and imagine him as a Latin lover. Unfortunately, when you open your eyes you are next to someone who doesn’t even like movies. What are you going to do for a date, go to SoundBoard?
Remember, however, that we attend Lawrence University. Despite his shortcomings, Mr. Fondow is probably no worse than most other options.