Winfrey Withdrawl-kh mw

Bob Trettin

Well, it’s official. Oprah’s network is struggling. Perhaps the most successful woman in America has finally encountered some troubles. The answer to your question is no, I do not feel any amount of sympathy toward her whatsoever. She is planning a relaunch of her network in the hopes that it will flourish this time around. I, however, hope it does not succeed. This lady has had enough success in my opinion. Let me take you back four months ago, to Oprah’s final episode.

After 25 years of extreme generosity, life-changing kindness and weight fluctuation, Oprah hosted the finale of her show on May 25, 2011. She is arguably one of the most influential African American women in history, and her black heart has touched the lives of countless people. She gave her viewers laughs, hope, love, joy and a reason to neglect more important things for an hour every day. Oprah’s show will be missed by many, perhaps even by Oprah. Let us hope she does not become the Brett Favre of daytime TV.

Oprah’s power and influence have stretched farther than many could have ever imagined. Osama Bin Laden revealed his whereabouts as a gift to this beloved TV show host prior to her last episode. The world was scheduled to end on May 21, but God postponed that to accommodate to Oprah’s finale. Many women–and a certain category of men–dropped everything to stare intently at their television sets as Oprah captivated them one last time with her seemingly hypnotic capabilities.

Many people have called Oprah the Genghis Kahn of our time. Well, maybe no one has ever called her that before, but there are common threads between them! Like Genghis, Oprah came from very little and rose to become a symbol of power; Oprah is a conqueror. Otherwise these two people are quite dissimilar.

So why has Oprah chosen to leave her throne? Has she grown tired of her position? Did her supposed “friend,” Dr. Phil, threaten her into departure? I do not believe so. I think the answer is much simpler and less sinister.

I think that Oprah simply could not top herself anymore. She exceeded her limit in generosity. She is known for giving the biggest, most extravagant, life-altering gifts that money could buy, and there was not much else she could give that could eclipse what she had already given. What is there to give away after millions of dollars and houses and cars?  What will someone do with a humpback whale or a mountain? Is it even possible to gift a planet? After a certain point, generosity becomes impractical. Oprah transcended that level and could no longer surpass it.

The effects of Oprah’s farewell are astronomical of course. Her devoted fans are left in a state of confusion, especially between the hours of four and five. People everywhere are in pandemonium! Chaos! Chaos! Faithful, committed viewers don’t know what to do during that hour of their day!

This predicament has become known as Winfrey Withdrawal, and it should be taken seriously. Those affected by Winfrey Withdrawal should try taking a nap or doing daily chores or reading a book–preferably one that is not in her book club–or exercising or pretty much any other activity not pertaining to Oprah.

On a positive note, Kleenex companies experienced a spike in sales as Winfrey fans cried during their withdrawal period. However, after a few months, sales have declined rapidly as Oprah fans no longer require Kleenex for watching the show at four.

Why am I mocking one of America’s most beloved women? Bitterness. I can appreciate what she has done for all those people out there, but let me ask you this: Do you remember that one time when Oprah gave me 10 million dollars and a car and a mansion? Yeah, neither do I. Bitterness.