Yesterday I saw an alarming flyer plastered haphazardly to a wall in Kohler Hall, where I am currently stationed doing research on “substance-free” society. The flyer, seemingly hand-written, explained that the Lawrentian is going to be expanded and improved, though still unread by students. It heralded the arrival of a 12-page newspaper, instead of an eight-page soapbox for James Eric Prichard and J.B. Sivanich.Despite the incessant talk about saving and protecting Mother Earth, the media conglomerates on campus have made the astounding decision to use more paper, kill more trees, and offend more student groups. As I write, it is 50 degrees outside. Global warming has taken my brisk November air away and the greedy staff of the Lawrentian is about to add insult to injury by publishing more so-boring-they-have-to-be-a-joke stories! They are putting weapons into the hands of the enemy.
After gaining LEED certification for the new campus center, Lawrence University is taking a major step backwards. Personally, I believe the Lawrentian should be a one-page bi-weekly leaflet. That would provide ample space for any important news, as well as lessen the strain on our blessed planet.
However, another part of me is morbidly curious about what the Lawrentian staff will whip up to fill the new pages. “Drug dealer of the week”? That would be fantastic; I could use the information, especially as 10th week draws closer. “10 Ways to Seduce a Female Lawrence Student”? A half-assed compliment usually works for me, but I am a proponent of variety. “How to Identify a Conservatory Student”? If the instrument case is absent, look for the confident strut or signs of headache — sometimes the genius is just too much to bear.