Female partygoers remain clothed, unimpressed with Delaney legislation

Robert Levy
Richie to Cole’s “The Fonz”

A recent party at the Executive House apartments, save for the mass exodus of girls from the party. The perpetrator of that discomfort, however, was let off the hook by a misquote in the Lawrentian.”I don’t feel comfortable naming names,” said Amy Uecke, “but we had several incident reports filed that night against an unnamed individual who, while during the course of his duties as wristband monitor, regaled at least seven girls (and countless other passersby) with monologues regarding policy minutiae and self-aggrandizing rhetoric regarding the Lawrence University Community Council.”

Apparently, the wristbander withheld service until one of the number of attractive girls listened to him read the second draft of a super-secret piece of legislation that seeks to remove faculty quorum. The wristbander also offered to drive several girls home; the one who consented was privy to the role of the Trustees in the implicit conspiracy of formal group housing.

Former LUCC President Cole Delaney has come forward — in fact, before the Lawrentian even approached him– to take responsibility for the attacks.

“Yeah, I’m not going to lie to you; Truesdell and Uecke are pulling out all the stops trying to silence me, ‘cuz they know I know that the way around this bullshitting of theirs is by being fair and merciless, and really asserting what LUCC can accomplish. I mean, think of this; you have a bunch of apathetic kids, and yeah, they have their mitts on 250,000 bucks. Damn, that’s a lot of money! Now, where do you think most of that goes? Where? Where? And how much say do you have in it? And don’t even get me STARTED on Formal Group! I mean, that’s a can of worms I should NOT have opened, but dammit, I’m trying hard here to go out strong, and Uecke is trying to pin my balls to the wall here. Man, did I TELL you about that meeting I had yesterday? Uncomfortable as hell. Cuz they know I know something and I vote on the faculty subcommittee on administration. This all has to do with the campus center and semesters and grade policy average and just a general disrespect for the institutions of student government Worman fucked all up. I mean, come on! We wouldn’t need a COC if we didn’t have this kind of fundamental disrespect which runs from Warch right down to the frats and trickles around even to the staff and faculty. I like to call it happy meal syndrome. You¡re paying less and getting…”

Lawrentian reporter Rodrigo Sanchez is still conducting that interview, which began on February 28.

Sophomore East Asian Studies major Rachel Berkeley, though, pleaded with Delaney to let Rodrigo go, and to admit that his political views are not, as he told her fodder for “the Lawrence duopoly of chick magnets, me and Danny Weingrow.”

“As a friend of Cole’s, I sincerely hope that the end of his Presidency will bring about new courting techniques,” said Berkeley. I mean, Cole still makes gas station runs and such and that’s cool, and he’s still funny every once in awhile, but sometimes you just don’t think Parking legislation is great for Downer chats.”

Berkeley added that when she or other sophomore girls borrow Delaney’s Aztec, it’s only under the stipulation that they listen to excerpts of LUCC meetings on cassette, ones that “really stuck it to Hodgkiss.”

Although the complaints against Delaney are rising, there is no longer any mechanism to punish him. In the last issue of The Lawrentian, Delaney was completely misquoted as suggesting J-Board be dissolved.

However, incoming President and Vice President Hacquebord and Ned Connors liked the idea.

“Sure, why not?” each said, very much like the voters did when they cast their LUCC Presidential ballots.