Girl Power on the soapbox: Sarah Welch

Editor’s Note:
The Lawrentian is proud to present unedited copies of a few of the “Speeches by the Clock” for anyone who misses the actual event. The Lawrentian hopes to continue this installment in the future.I’m here today to right a terrible wrong.
I’m here to fight for the liberties of those who have been boldly estranged and ignored.
I’m here to defend those who have been missing in this new fad we all so eagerly call the “Speech at the Clock.”
I’m here to represent those who cannot speak in a deep “Professor Voice,” and those who do not speak about masculine intellectual topics such as politics, dinosaurs, ninjas …
No, no … I’m here today to help you all understand why the women of the Lawrence campus choose to attend the male-dominated Speech at the Clock.
When confronted about the issue:
One girl from Ripon College answered: “To listen, quietly wishing that she might get a chance to meet the speaker and take him to lunch afterwards? She longs to learn from his intellect and swoon over his strong muscles?” Keep trying Ripon, you’re not quite there.
My waitress at The Bar on the Ave answered: “maybe the girls were asleep … and the speech at the clock would help wake them up. My clock always wakes me up by singing.”
Professor Goldgar willfully responded that “the women inherently assemble in order to chart an attack on pre-conceived masculinity in this post-modernistic era in which they have been positioned.”
A girl coming from her Freshman Studies class this morning, in between calls on her cellular telephone, told me that the only reason she’s even here is to meet up with her friend who’s coming from the science hall. Then they leave …
Jill Beck replied that “the gathering of these women at 12:25 is a cultural symbol of art, in which the Lawrence women can better comprehend the community around them.”
Nixon had it right when he discussed male domination, casually stating that male domination in most anything just seems more civil compared to “female domination” – can you only imagine? Women in the workplace? Schools? This is CRAZY talk!
Matt Ansfield commented that women are statistically smarter than men, so if the men are giving the speeches, then the women must be carrying out intricate case studies on these men.
One would assume that Mark Johnson, the founding father of Speeches at the Clock, has created such an event for the sole purpose of promoting our liberty of the freedom of speech and making the opinions of the student body heard. Yet when I spoke with Mark in private earlier this week, he began to reveal his ulterior motives. When Mark was a freshman, he took a class with Prof. Ansfield and has hereby set out to prove the theory about women being the smarter sex wrong. Mark hoped that the speeches, being 98 percent male, would show male intelligence and that prove that women could shut the hell up. Mark hates women. (Nothing said in my speech today is proven OR accurate.)
Peter Bennett (who is not a girl) says that he comes to witness the intellect of his male friends. Katherine Elchert (who is a girl) comes – interestingly enough – for the same reason. People like those smart boys.
Mostly though, I personally enjoy watching as people congregate around a nonexistent clock to hear one of their peers ramble about nonexistent issues.
So maybe no one really understands why the girls come. But they come. And usually they stay – oddly enough. I am here today to prove that women can make a speech (and have), and to encourage everyone who is a woman to use your liberty of free speech to speak.
I, often appearing as one of the many female bystanders to the speech at the clock, would LOVE to hear about pressing female issues – like tea parties, and secret crushes, and unicorns.
Girl Power. There. I said it. Now say it with me. Girl POWER!