The Quad goes commercial: Hooters and Abercrombie come to Lawrence

Robert Levy
He has quite a fine wardrobe, thank you very much.

In a move expected to set new standards for fraternity members nationwide, Lawrence University has decided to open two establishments in the frat quad that will provide those things decreed vital to fraternity life: tits and cargo pants. In that spirit, the university has agreed to allow a Hooters franchise to replace Draheim house.

The fully functional restaurant will serve a complete menu, including their famous “clams, wings, shrimp, and oyster roasts,” and is expected to give Downer a run for their money.

Worried about who the busty waitresses will be? Don’t be. Amy Eucke, Assistant Dean for Residence Life, comments, “We’d like to assure Lawrence Community members that although Hooters is moving in, the residents of Draheim house, thanks to a wonderful new work study program, have all applied to live and work at Hooters while earning money towards their educations.”

In order to better facilitate fraternity member’s needs in a practical, “one stop eat, gawk, fondle, and shop kind of way, an Abercrombie and Fitch will move into the basement of Draheim.

The new store will specialize in 69 different shades of khaki cargo pants (advertised by Abercrombie and Fitch themselves as “A shade for every beer, drug, and freshman girl”), tiny-plaid shirts, hats embroidered with sports themes, numbers, and the names of non-existent schools like “Pretentia,” “Wealllookthesameica” and “Conformica.”

On Abercrombie and Fitch’s strategic location, a member of the Beta Theta Pi fraternity commented: “Like, it’s so cool. A Hooters and Abercrombie within walking distance will make getting laid and being fashionably dressed, like, totally easy.”

Of the new changes about to take place on campus, Lawrence University President Rik Warch comments, “I’m really proud of the robust improvements that will be made on campus during my last term of office, especially those that specifically concern the fraternity quadrangle, and the changes that will be made in order to meet their “tits and cargo pants” quota.

“I’m pleased that Lawrence’s beloved fraternity members will be able to enjoy this ‘Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined’ establishment while unabashedly conforming to current and ridiculously layered fashion trends for years to come,” commented Warch.

Construction on the new dorm has been postponed until both the Hooters and Abercrombie and Fitch changeovers occur over the summer.

In related news, members of the Delta Gamma sorority released a statement about the Hooters/Abercrombie facility claiming that, in order to combat the “blatant sexism”

Draheim’s makeover represents, they will be screen-printing all of their sweatpants, pajama pants, and workout clothes, with: “cute little sayings to plaster all over our cute little fannies.”

In their written statement the sorority also demands: “An Abercrombie and Fitch for OUR basement catering to OUR needs and stocking the following: pastel halter tops, jeans that are far too tight, and tons of makeup, because, our motto isn’t “Delta ‘Who let the dogs out’ Gamma for nothing.”

All of their demands, sorority members claim, are geared towards: “countering the blatant sexism with our own kind of self-inflicted and blatant, sexism.