SARK awarded a ‘special degree’

SARK was awarded a “special degree” last month-just like a BIG person!The award was recommended by SARK’s therapist, who reportedly stood to receive a quarter of SARK’s honorarium for her recent convocation.

When delivering the award, President Warch cited SARK’s clothing choice, atypical career path, and baffling creativity. Some cryptic remarks about Warch’s “not-always-creative dreams” and subsequent remarks by SARK about Warch’s “succulence” cast a somewhat awkward shadow over the proceedings, leading to some to suggest that SARK did not “earn” her award via altogether amoral means.

“But hey, she’s got my permission to make some ‘creative dreams’ ‘come’ true on the second floor of Main Hall, if you know what I mean,” said Goldgar with a wink.

While many speakers receive honorary doctorates, SARK received the first B.S. awarded in Lawrence University’s recent history. It is hoped that SARK can now be employable once again, and that the degree may, in addition to boosting her self-esteem, counterbalance the seven years of her life during which she held more than 250 jobs.