Professor found dead on main hall green

The Lawrence professors who was reported missing last term has been found frozen to death on Main Hall green, exactly thirty feet outside of Lawrence’s recently implemented smoking halo last Friday. The smoking halo, which was established as a means to protect untainted student, faculty, and staff lungs from the infiltration of second-hand smoke, forced Mark Dintenfass to smoke thirty feet in front of Main Hall, where he tragically perished during a late-winter blizzard shortly before spring break. His body was found clinging to his last published work and a pack of cigarettes.

An obligatory investigation into the causes for this tragedy revealed several uncorrected final examinations in his office. The search turned up an unfinished, type-written memoir–the last few pages of which were filled with the chilling sentence “All work no smoke makes Mark a dull boy.”

No further investigation into the cause of this death will be undertaken as the administration has whole-heartedly applauded the smoking halo legislation in the “eradication of smoking professors.”

An anonymous faculty member commented, “If only the administration would impose ‘feminist halo’ that would have the same effect. Then maybe we could rid ourselves of the Gender Studies Department–and a few unnecessary students.