A Lawrentian guide to creative voting

Ethan Denault

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, teamsters of America – from the rocky shores of Maine, to the delicately bronzed and sculpted beaches of California, a cloth curtain is about to descend upon this fine nation. In less than two short weeks, you, the dutiful American citizen I’ve trained you to be, will be called upon once again to enter the voting booths and commence punching chads. While the majority of you have already whittled your choices down to either a Mr. Bush or Mr. Kerry, some of you still remain undecided and even a little confused. And rightly so. Choosing a candidate or party that fits your needs is no small feat. It requires patience, research and persistence. So, let us now pause and examine some of the parties which you may have overlooked in your quest this fall.For those individuals looking to return to the good ole’ days of bootlegging, felt fedoras and Al Capone, the Prohibition Party may be just the answer. Stone cold sober conservatives who have joined together over the mutual cause of abolishing all alcoholic beverages, these fine citizens at one time billed themselves “America’s Oldest Third Party.” However, after some prompting by a group of totally hammered fraternity members, the Prohibition Party changed its slogan heading so that it now reads “America’s Oldest and Least Funnest Third Party.” A political party your grandmother would definitely approve of, unless she’s currently pounding a can of Old Style or doing two-handed keg stands.

The American Nazi Party is basically a bunch of whining bald fascists with nothing better to do than hate everything under the sun except rocks (and even there it gets iffy). Citing their first priority as the removal of “Jews and non-whites out of all positions of government and civil service – and eventually out of the country altogether,” the American Nazi Party truly is one of the real vote-wasters of this country. I’ll bet the Prohibition Party could kick their asses with real style.

If aromatherapy, scented candles and sances comprise most of your free time, then look no further, the New Party is for you. Party founder and general ‘man of leisure,’ “Da Vid” (M.D.) claims that the New Party centers around “holistic medicine,” “organic foods,” and “solar energy.” Based in San Francisco, the New Party recently supported the opening of 11 organic food co-ops with members handing out the party’s official New Age CD of relaxing music. Far, far away, John Tesh was seen protesting the event with a Big Mac and a Diet Coke.

Hating aromatherapy is a prerequisite for this next group of politically inclined individuals, and driving through the mud pits behind your stepmother’s trailer park on your 4-wheeler guarantees you at least a free party pin. The America First Party is a man’s party. Conservative, traditional, manly, hairy, headed by Pat Buchanan, the America First Party aims to “clean up our corrupted political system.” Riding bulls is a must, riding bulls while smoking a cigar and brandishing silver revolvers is even better. All hail John Wayne!

For those who enjoyed the movie Deliverance and are especially adept with the banjo, the Southern Party is probably what your life has been missing. Inbreeding, missing teeth, flowered bonnets and messed up accents abound at a typical Southern Party convention. Kind, generous people with a strong hatred for French Canadians and all things frozen, members describe themselves as decent “God-fearing southerners” who aim to abolish the news media and the entertainment industry. Someone should remind them that Britney Spears was from Louisiana. Then again, maybe they shouldn’t.

Finally, for all you fans of “Mary Jane,” there’s the Pot Party. With chapters in California, Illinois, and Virginia, the Pot Party’s current tagline is pretty much “to like, uh, like, legalize marijuana … dude (exhale).” One party member recently received High Times magazine’s “Bong-Of-The-Month” award for his distinctive work in the field and shortly thereafter in his parent’s basement. Interestingly enough, it appears that no real candidates have been fielded to this point. Members regularly seem to be involved in an online fantasy government entitled the USA Parliament (official description: “A coalition of U.S. voters based on votes cast, where 1/100th of the votes cast elects one of the one hundred members of parliament”). Members never wash, rarely shave and in fact may have possibly stolen my car stereo while I was vacationing in San Diego last winter. (“Dude, it wasn’t me … it was, like, the giggle fruit!” Yeah right, moron: I want it back!)

So there you have it. Several choice parties for the still-undecided. And remember, you can make a difference. Later kiddies!