Love, Indubitably

James Eric Prichard

Dear Dr. Eric,
I really like this girl who sits next to me in a class. She is pretty and has a nice smell, coconut-esque with a hint of something citric, maybe lime. Whenever I try to talk to her I get really nervous. I know that everybody says this, but I am especially bad. I have resorted to trying to impress her during class. I speak up whenever I can, and hope that she will appreciate my wisdom and interpret my verbosity for attraction. Will this plan work?
– “J. B.”Dear J.B.:
No. This approach will fail for two crucial reasons. The first problem is that you’re afraid to talk to her. Nobody likes a wimp, least of all hot babes.
The second and more important reason is that all girls have a type, namely the type who knows how to shut up. Girls love it when a guy doesn’t talk more than necessary, especially in class. The other day I was hanging out with some real foxes, and they all said that they like guys who let others talk in class. If you want to trick her into liking you, you should be quieter. You don’t need to be the strong, silent type, just the silent type.
It is difficult to be both assertive and quiet. I like to carry around a little notepad, and write messages to cute girls. This way they see that I am both unafraid of girls and considerate to those irritated by my voice.

Dear Dr. Eric,
What do you think of polyamorous relationships?
– Anonymous

Dear Yuai:
I am conflicted about polyamory (simultaneously having multiple significant others). On one hand, it appears to be very difficult. Juggling multiple partners must consume lots of time and energy, and probably leads to sticky situations. Don’t forget the troubles Archie found when he sought both Betty and Veronica. Additionally, many religious traditions call polyamory sinful, so by entertaining multiple partners you would be incurring multiple gods’ wraths.
On the other hand it seems awesome, and when it fails, it probably does so in an equally awesome blaze of glory. I encourage you to explore polyamory for the sake of awesomeness and hilarity. To be safe, keep only one of your partners in the dark about the others. You don’t want both Betty and Veronica mad at you.

Dr. James Eric Prichard holds many terminal degrees in various fields from institutions around the globe. He is a recognized expert in love, life and lists of three. You can send your questions to lawrentian@lawrence.edu.

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