Abolish theatre

Dan Holbrook

Now, some Lawrence students are quick to judge other departments. They might take issue with Economics for its brazen refusal to allow grade inflation; they might shun Biology for creating heathen evolutionists. They might even choose to hold a more random grudge, against, say, any department ending in “studies.”But I come to you today with news of a real menace. A department allied with an ancient enemy of all that we, as Americans, hold dear. No, I don’t mean Satan. I’m talking about Britain, the notorious “redcoat menace.”

I have a list, of names and classes and days of the week, provided by my sources at the Registrar. And this list confirms that Tories have overrun Lawrence’s theater department. How do I know?

Because there is no theater department at Lawrence University! Instead, we have a “theatre arts” department!

“Theatre” is, of course, an old Briticism that we – the true Americans – have long since thrown away, a spelling that could not grow on our fair soul and died beside its ignoble comrades, “centre” and “metre.”

But there’s no stopping your average Tory from aping the Brits. He (or she, remember that Prof Privatt is one of them as well) loves the academic pretension of a deliberate archaism, craves it with every “fibre” of his being.

What’s a would-be theater major to do? Lawrence has no facilities to accommodate him: witness “Stansbury Theatre,” note the “Cloak Theatre” and shudder. It’s no wonder that Lawrence accepts (to quote the course catalog) “students with a wide variety of theatre experiences.” These fellow travelers are the only ones who could benefit, in this country, from a “theatre arts” degree.

With the possible exception of Lawrence’s “martial arts” department, the “theatre arts” department is the most dangerous on-campus threat to our life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. With the possible exception of our “culinary arts” department, it’s the last place you’d expect a traitor to be.

Since I can only assume that “theatre arts” is under the supervision of the overarching “art” department, I will contact them immediately, requesting the immediate Americanization of all Briticisms and the hiring of a new staff trained in theater.

In the meantime, I urge you all to resist. Our forefathers died so that we could change the terminal -re into -er, and I would die rather than let these impudent loyalists change it back.

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