Union Street Bike Thief behind bars-eap

Emily Passey

The infamous Union Street Bike Thief was caught and jailed early in the morning yesterday.
The man, who, when apprehended, was found with 30 full bikes and a collection of various other parts in the back of his rented U-Haul, has been the object of investigation since he escaped capture in January.
“This guy is just sick. We’re so glad to see him finally locked up,” the Appleton police chief said with a note of understandable relief in his voice. The scene was gruesome: a collection of greasy bike brakes, chains, handlebars and tires strewn on the ground in an attempt at identification by the scene investigation team.
The involved U-Haul was reportedly rented in the seedy underbelly of society, Menasha, just south of Appleton and the Lawrence campus.
“We’ve trailed this guy all over the Fox Cities, but there are just so many towns that he was constantly losing us by changing his address,” the police chief noted, angrily pounding his fists on the hood of his car.
The man’s location was finally pin-pointed last week. The man was living on ramen in the mysterious white house behind Plantz hall. The cops were tipped off by drunken students attempting to break into the house, who were promptly arrested as they had unwittingly stepped off Lawrence soil. The police followed the advice of these students and put to use a lot of high-tech gadgets previously only seen in fictional form on CSI.
Though no information has been released about the man’s identity, the police are not the only ones who both revered and hated the man.
“That bike was my grandfather’s. He rode it in Normandy in the Second World War, it’s a huge part of my family’s history,” J.B. Sivanich, the first victim of the bike-thievery spree, said with tears, “I am both angered and relieved.”
It was on Sivanich’s bike that the thief got away from the police, escaping even the grasp of notoriously speedy skate-boarder, and undercover police investigator, Trevor Long. Sivanich’s bike was never recovered although the police say they have identified the wide handlebars of the vintage bike among the recovered pieces.
The orange tape surrounding the Plantz parking lot has struck fear into the hearts of the environmentally-conscious Lawrence campus.
“Seeing those pieces, those bent and broken chunks of former bike, makes me wish that my dad had let me bring his Hummer to school to drive to class in,” one teary-eyed student remarked.
Similarly minded Lawrentians were drawn to the crime scene, some expressing indignation by kicking the bike racks. Others, in mourning garb, came bearing flowers and candles, setting up an impromptu vigil in honor of the two-wheeled victims.
“It’s a true act of patriotism,” said Sivanich, who attended the scene with his heroes Adam Berey and Trevor Long, the undercover agents who worked fervently, yet sadly without success, to get the Union Street Thief the first time around.
A trial date has not yet been established, the thief has waved his right to representation, claiming that he holds a Government degree from Lawrence and can “handle himself.”
A candle-light vigil will be held at midnight tonight, followed by a memorial service in the Memorial Chapel during convocation hour this Tuesday. checked-eap

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