P/CP

Humans wrestle with fundamental questions of the order of the universe each day, and will continue to for the rest of their existence. Today, I hope to clear up one issue that many have struggled with, especially in the state of Wisconsin.Brett Favre steps out of the hierarchy that defined monarchies and football teams forever, transcending his mandate to lead and blazing a trail as more than mere mortal.

In the city of Green Bay, a town more steeped in tradition than Rome or Jerusalem, Brett Favre reigns supreme. Everyone knows humans put a higher value on winning than anything else, and Brett has won 160 games of football. What has God ever won? Our souls? That is much easier than a game of professional football. We should worship the things we actually care about and hold sacred, not just pay lip-service to nice ideas. Farve offers results, God promises only pretty churches and boring Sunday School.

We give our time to both church and football each Sunday. Brett Favre has taken our time and given two hundred and fifty-three consecutive games of football to us. When I pray on Sundays, I’m not always sure about God, but any of those given two hundred and fifty-three Sundays I knew Brett would deliver. Brett’s constant performance may have to do with his constant boyish attitude and dedication. God’s behavior fluctuates from his harsh condemnation of Job to his understanding forgiveness of Mary Magdalene. We need a constant winner as quarterback of the universe, not a flip-flopper of epic proportions.

Brett Favre also holds the record for most career touchdowns, and though it has turned out to be an epic story, God has only scored once, and she’s still a virgin anyway. His first NFL completion was to himself, whereas God has no pass completions or catches recorded in professional football. Because of these records and his shining personality, the Lambeau field fan shop has sold more than 52, 000 Favre jerseys since 2005. How many jerseys has God sold? In fact, I am not sure I have ever seen someone with any God merchandise besides those tacky WWJD bracelets. He seems to have a monopoly on tattoos, but if Brett Favre had a trademark symbol, or Wisconsinites could show more skin, I’m sure the numbers would be different.

Favre also serves the community a lot better than God. The 2000 years since Jesus the miracles have been few and far between, but Favre’s foundation has given over four million dollars to the community and saved more games than God has souls. Four millions dollars means a lot more to a community than a couple of souls; the people they belonged to probably got on everyone’s nerves anyway.

Most importantly, Brett knows when to call it quits. God has been losing the battle between good and evil for a good couple million years, and seems to persist in this futile effort to save souls. Brett Favre went out on top, after barely losing the NFC championship game to the eventual Super Bowl champ. God is losing the battle every day to puny human nature. Favre’s tasteful retirement crowns him as the eternal Lord of Football, while God’s continual denial shows his weaknesses. Favre can truly quit while he is ahead, while God only falls farther and farther behind.

Top