Now for the depressing part of the usually humorous April Fool’s issue. Lawrence love columnists usually try to pretend that the pursuit of romantic happiness at our institution is not only worthwhile, but also feasible. Some lies are worth perpetuating, for they give meaning and purpose to life, but creating the illusion of a healthy love life at Lawrence is just cruel to the entire student body. It is true that there is more to attraction than just physical beauty, and this fact has been the saving grace of the myth of a happy Lawrence love, but after two terms here, I have come to the conclusion that the other elements required for a healthy relationship are not present at Lawrence. I will continue by listing the parts of Lawrence life that stand in direct opposition to a successful relationship.1. Attraction- Not everyone at Lawrence is unattractive. Not everyone at Lawrence is poorly groomed. But the intersection is small, as shown by this Venn Diagram.
Notice that this small intersection decreases the chances of finding a desirable mate. This point, however, is so undeniably obvious that it is barely even worth repeating.
2. Everyone knows everyone – I remember in high school, I had an extended group of friends with about thirty members. By junior year, we had all hooked up with each other in an incestuous, soap opera sort of way – making it really awkward to be around one another. Lawrence is like this, because it is small and gossipy. If you hook up with someone, it is immediately awkward and universally known. This further prevents relationships from advancing beyond a stage of awkward stares and drunken mistakes. A meaningful relationship therefore is almost impossible if it is not perfectly calculated.
3. Long distance relationships – Lots of people have long distance relationships, with significant others scattered from the Far East to East Troy. These Lawrentians are usually either very exotic or utterly boring, but sometimes they are hidden gems unable to realize that the people back home are probably uglier or dumber than a possible freshmen studies beau. These people claim that skype sex (yes, this actually happens) is just as good, but we all know that laptops can fail at the most crucial of moments. These people don’t realize that you can’t get away with folds in your ass just because you’re mutually masturbating with your partner over skype forever. It’s too bad these people don’t give Lawrence a chance; if we were all in it together, we might try a little harder all around.
4. Bad Social Skills- Sorry Lawrence, lots of us have skills, but in an I-play-a-weird-instrument-or-actually-like-good-books kind of way, not in an I-say-charming-things-while-interacting-with-members-of-the-opposite-sex kind of way (grinding with some scantily-clad freshman at a SigEp party does not actually count as an social interaction). I often find myself tongue-tied when speaking to one of the five cute members of the class of 2011, or any of my female professors, and I am nowhere near the worst. By the time many people learn to not feel awkward touching a member of the opposite sex, they are shaking Jill Beck’s hand with sweaty palms before walking off the graduation stage.
Listen Lawrence, I’m not joking, but the staff would only let me print this in the April Fool’s Day issue. This is not bleak or pessimistic: only realistic. I would know. I have had a brief fling with a member of this student body, but after she repeatedly fell asleep during the Matrix, 300 and Beerfest, I knew it was not meant to be. After whittling away at my expectations, I realized that this kernel I found inside wasn’t really worth the sacrifice. It may be time to admit defeat and move on. As loyal Lawrentian readers know, there is summer/winter/spring break and even life after Lawrence. One benefit to bursting the Lawrence bubble may be expanded horizons, it will probably most prominently be meeting people who wear nice clothes and shower.