Encouraged by the success of the Senior Experience capstone program, the Lawrence administration is implementing new programs that will address other “student experiences.” “These programs are part of what sets Lawrence apart from other colleges. Otherwise, you might as well go to a state school,” said Lawrence President Jill Behck. The programs are designed to uphold the ideals of a liberal arts education and to prepare students for the ‘real world.’ One of the best examples is the newly created ‘Downer Experience.’ “It doesn’t get any more real than this,” said Director of Dining Services Patrich Naighls as he looked down at a tray of steaming pork roast, which was mysteriously green and glowing. “It’s just the spices,” Naighls added with a misty-eyed smile of contentment. The Downer Experience is a mandatory course in ‘food appreciation’ in which students must try everything in A line. And they mean everything. “I’m allergic to gluten,” a sheepish freshman confessed as a large, red hive appeared on her cheek. She shuddered, then bravely downed the rest of her whole wheat dinner roll. Other new programs include: the ‘Mudd Experience,’ in which students are coached in the art of talking really loudly on their cell phones and leaving their stuff at tables; the ‘Pretentious Collegiate Experience,’ in which students perfect their ‘judging eyes’; the ‘Conservatory Experience,’ in which students are taught strategies to use if they ever encounter a Connie in the wild and the ‘Meth Lab Experience’ — oh, wait. Scratch that last. “I think that the students are responding very well to the new programs,” said Dean of Students Nancey Trusedale. She, along with the rest of the Committee for Extraneous Programs is already brainstorming for new programs. “I can’t tell you our latest program just yet, but let’s just say it has something to do with Professor Goldgar, a llama and Sampson House!” said Trusedale with a delighted giggle. The Lawrence administration is leaving no stone unturned and no student unprepared for life in the ‘real world.’ The new ‘experience’ programs ensure that this new generation of Lawrentians will be versed in all of the essentials.