Just here to say that I’m still wearing my Wrangler jeans when I’m on my lawn mower, and Deanna is writing another book titled “Marriage after 4-play.” I thought of the idea; I thought it was pretty catchy. Do you get it? I have to rub my chin stubble on that one!
I’ve always been a jokester. I remember showing up at Holmgrens’ doorstep for Halloween one year and just giving Mike hell about wanting some candy because it had somehow all disappeared. He was getting so annoyed with these boys dressed as Packers, and when we pulled off the masks, I couldn’t have been laughing harder.
There have been so many over the years that I have constant surveillance at my locker in case anyone wants to retaliate. Also, I used to impersonate Keith Jackson to Keith Jackson — things about how he used to be good, but now he is just getting by on his name and people just wish he would walk.
There’s a difference between a jokester and a joke, that’s for sure. Jerry Glanville is a prime example; he’s a joke. He traded me after I threw four passes in the NFL. Are you kidding me? Hell, my first career pass attempt went for a touchdown; you would’ve thought he knew I was destined for a superb career.
Maybe he didn’t approve of that touchdown going on the scoreboard for the opponent. But, I suppose a high draft pick is hard to turn down — just ask the Redskins. This is the same guy who left tickets at will-call for Elvis Presley and drove cars similar to those of James Dean.
Where is this guy now, you ask? After trading me he didn’t work for over a decade in football. He made a pit-stop to coach a nonexistent defense at Hawaii in 2005, and he now is the head coach at Portland State University. This man’s football career is a joke, no one respects him, and I don’t think there’s been a bigger joke in the history of the NFL.
As you all know, I relish in the aftermath of pulling pranks on teammates, coaches, media and sometimes Deanna. One group I have never attempted to prank is the fans of the Green Bay Packers. In light of that fact, I’m announcing that I have pulled off what will be forever known as the best April Fool’s Day prank ever.
I had absolutely no intention of retiring! I just had one of my best seasons in the last decade!
I would be crazy to walk away from my receiving corps, my improving backfield, our defense, and special teams. I have Greg Jennings coming into his own, Donald Driver still going over the middle, James Jones showing he’s capable when holding on the ball, Donald Lee proving he can catch underhand tosses in the snow, running backs with some promise, and a kicker who led the NFL in points — and somehow didn’t make the Pro Bowl.
Although our schedule appears to be semi-difficult — six games against playoff teams — we play in the NFC North! Vikings and Lions and Bears, oh my? Not a chance. As long as Adrian Peterson continues his excellent portrayal of Samuel Jackson in “Unbreakable,” “Wrecks” Grossman plays like we know he can, and Matt Millen is still running the Lions, we have another division championship locked up.
My coaches, GM Ted Thompson and my buddies knew this joke was going on the whole time.
McCarthy is the king of holding a poker face. His expression never changes, and I knew I could count on him to be a splendid actor in my web of deception because we players appreciate the time he puts into the club. By club I mean a club sandwich … sorry for that confusion.
Thompson, on the other hand, wasn’t too thrilled when I presented him with this great idea. He thought it was too dangerous; we all know he likes conservative moves such as drafting defensive tackles when we have a plethora of them and not going after Randy Moss in free agency. I just had to show him that it doesn’t hurt to take some chances because it could come back positive in the end.
I dialed up Ron Wolf a little while ago about what I’m up to, and he couldn’t be happier that someone is showing the NFL that fans are the strongest influence on sports. If it weren’t for the fans, we wouldn’t be making all these millions of dollars for playing a game. Ron thought it was a good idea to let the fans know of my joke before the draft because he would hate if the team traded a first-round pick away for an unknown player who has proven absolutely nothing at this level. Why a team would do that is way beyond my realm of thinking.
On the other hand, my teammates and ex-teammates absolutely loved the idea. What a better way for some of them to get some attention. I saw Antonio Freeman on TV the other day on something other than my Super Bowl XXXI DVD and his catch versus the Vikings in overtime.
Freeman caught 57 touchdown passes from me, and he caught onto the joke only after some thorough explanation because, let’s be honest, he slowed down quite a bit later on in his career. Marco Rivera had a few comments to make on television shows about my departure, and he should know about leaving a team because that’s exactly what he did to us when he signed with the Cowboys a few years back for more money.
I definitely see an Oscar in my future. Between my voicemail and my press conference, my acting skills have improved dramatically. When I called Chris Mortensen over at ESPN, I was so glad I got his voicemail, because Deanna and I couldn’t stop laughing and adding different things to say while I was being recorded.
Keeping composure in the pocket is one thing, but acting is another. You all know how bad my acting skills were; we’ve all seen my appearance in “There’s Something About Mary,” and some have caught my less-heralded scene in “Reggie’s Prayer” — go ahead to YouTube, I’ll wait.
My lines in those films took some time to rehearse with Deanna, and I couldn’t get through a single take without making others laugh with my poor acting ability. I bet you’re asking yourself how I was capable of crying and choking up during the news conference.
The only thing I can attribute that to is maturing as an actor, which is something Deanna has failed to do. When that female reporter asked Deanna to come to the microphone and respond to a question she raised, Deanna mentioned she wasn’t too thrilled about it.
Why? It was simply because she was afraid that our whole charade would be discovered by her inability to contain her laughter. Luckily, she, the woman who has been with me since the beginning, made it through another difficult battle. From the voicemail message and the way the press conference went, it seems quite obvious that my acting skills have gotten much, much better. Maybe I do have a legitimate career in acting or television after football. We’ll see, I guess.
I just want to apologize to everyone out there who may have fallen into depression over my brief “retirement”. I thought it’d be an excellent time to take a break and watch some college basketball, commend Kenny Mayne on his uncovering of my method to withstand the Wisconsin cold — Aaron Rodgers made an excellent appearance — and supervise my daughter over spring break. I’ll definitely attempt to make it up to everyone throughout the course of the season and playoffs.
Aaron, I’m sorry but you have to head back to that bench for another couple years. I know you can play, but I still have it left in me. If you wish to start somewhere in the league, I think there are about a dozen teams looking for a starting QB — sorry Alex Smith.
Also, I’m not letting that whiny quarterback over in Indianapolis touch any of my records. He may put on a helluva skit on SNL, but if he wants my touchdowns, yards, starts, completions, and wins, he’ll have to hope his career doesn’t wind down like that of his dad, Archie. If he wants my interception record, just put him on a grass field, a big game, take away his All-Pro receivers that I rarely had, and he’ll surely toss the ball to the defense.
I’m here to stay for two more seasons; the Hall of Fame will have to wait; sorry there Warren. I’m going to get Jim Marshall’s record of consecutive starts. Jeff Feagles can only pretend he has that record … stupid punter.
And I’ll have at least one more crack at the Super Bowl for you fans who have stood by me through my rehabilitation, the death of my father, and the return to my youthful joy. I’m sorry I put you through all of this, but it would be worse for you to go through another season without a Super Bowl, and that’s what I’m here to do.
See you soon!
#4
P.S. Meet you at Chmura’s for the draft party!
P.P.S. Tom Crean, you just turned Wisconsin against you!
Favre fake-out -mts
