Hippo City


It snowed in Appleton this past week. We are solidly in April and should be experiencing spring. April showers would be acceptable, but not snow. The reason for this apocalyptic weather is clear: we have a Jonah among us.
I was in Georgia over spring break and the weather was lovely: God is only punishing us. Fred Phelps is off-base in thinking that all of America is targeted. The Jonah is an Appletonian, more specifically, a Lawrentian. One of us has been cursed by God, having displeased him in some way.
This winter’s weather was not terrific, but not as undeserved as this latest snowfall. God’s displeasure must be a recent arrival. No one is being punished for something done as a child, or for a generational curse. The punishment is for a recent infraction — but not too recent. This is not the Old Testament, where God would smite us the day after some sinning. By 2008 he probably gives sinners at least a week to sufficiently apologize for their actions.
The transgression probably occurred over spring break or the closing days of finals week. Someone acted against God and he gave him or her a week or two to repent and do a little sacrificing. Unfortunately, the person did not repent, as evidenced by the freeze, and now we all must face the brunt of God’s wrath.
We need to stop complaining about the weather and take care of this situation. People generally confront their problems with whining and retreat. This cold streak is no exception, and students have taken to bitching about the weather and hiding from it, underneath multiple layers and other people’s beds. We should not be so passive, however, and should take matters into our own hands. We can have open skies and high temperatures only after we rid ourselves of the Jonah in our midst.
The usual tactic for such an operation is to draw lots, but organizing a lot-drawing for 1400 people would be a little cumbersome. We also would not find a time when all of us could meet. Convo hour is supposed to not be booked to allow events such as this to take place, but many connies have “academic” programs planned during those times.
We could probably find the culprit with a little detective work, however, and avoid the lot-drawing. It is likely that someone cheated during finals week. We could get the faculty to create a list of students who performed poorly on midterms and showed little comprehension of the subject material, yet managed to do very well on finals. These students probably cheated so that they could pull their grades up to a C and keep the S/U on.
From this set of students we could look at the ones experiencing especially bad luck, for God is probably personally punishing them as well. We should publicly condemn and/or flog these students until the weather changes for the better. Cheating is not that big of a deal — I do it all the time — so this penance should cover Lawrence for any finals week misdeeds.
This condemning/flogging might not totally cleanse Lawrence, however, because a lot of transgressions probably occurred over spring break. Sinning goes hand-in-hand with fun in the sun, much like rum goes with Coke, or if you prefer, rum and Coke goes with sinning.
Students in exotic locales such as Cancun or Gainesville were probably offending God left and right. Even non-traditional spring break locations could be home to some big-time sinning. We should casually sidle up next to fellow Lawrentians and ask them how their spring break was, uncovering any sort of transgressions. Many students probably disrespected others, broke rules, and were sexually immoral. When we uncover such crimes the offenders should be forced to leave the school. Lawrence’s purity — and spring — depend on it.