The Compostmodernist

Dieter Huneryager

The new life springing up around campus at this time of year is enough to melt the ice from even this curmudgeon’s heart. Over the past few months, I’ve skewered over-friendly RHD’s, The Lawrentian, omnivores, charitable organizations and countless others who, let’s face it, had it coming. And so on this day, the Friday after Mother’s Day, I will temporarily take off my negative nelly hat and quietly don the bonnet of positivity by listing off a few things on campus that I actually like. It should be a different, but possibly duller, read than usual:
Downer – It’s popular to pooh-pooh Downer by whining that its food tastes like poo-poo, but I simply can’t bring myself to gripe about a place that has brought me so much pleasure. For every misguided attempt at making macaroni & cheese that isn’t repugnant to a certain degree, there are a myriad of foods that range from palatable to downright good, regardless the time of day. This is much better than Lucy’s, wherein the prevailing spice is Bland (I don’t understand how marinara can be so dull) and the food you want is bound to have run out by the time you get there.
Aneesh – The embodiment of Dionysus, Aneesh is a character whose mere presence foretells an evening of revelry. At least a dozen people on campus are under the impression that they and Aneesh are best friends, when the truth is that, much like Dionysus and Jesus Christ, his camaraderie is for the whole world to enjoy. He’s the thinking man’s Travis Fondow.
Ormsby Second Floor – For some reason, it always smells like incense.
Lawrentian Staffers Who Lessen The Blandness – namely Erin Campbell Watson and J.B. Sivanich. After checking to see if my editor misspelled my name yet again, the first thing I read in the Lawrentian every Friday is “Just Give Up,” Erin’s delightfully pessimistic love advice column. She manages to take an inherently boring concept and turn it into something entertaining, and her definition of a true romantic – someone who buys you a couple drinks and gives you a sweatshirt to wear home in the morning – is spot-on.
I include J.B. Sivanich on this list not only because he enables me to write my most personal thoughts every week, but also because of his bizarre political commentary. I agree with 90 percent of what he writes, but every once in a while he’ll become outraged by something that one would normally see as being entirely innocuous, such as Arlen Specter’s unexpected party-switching, and the result is often confoundingly engrossing.
His distemper is sometimes confusing, but his reasoning is far more engaging than a letter to the editor about how the position of the assistant dean of multicultural affairs, surely the most useless-sounding job I’ve ever heard of, and should be maintained at all costs.
Phi Kappa Tau – The Greek system is dated, intrinsically sexist and kind of silly – a topic about which I would have written had I known it was Greek Week – but Phi Kappa Tau isn’t really a fraternity. Yes, it’s still a random-Greek-letter-worshipping boy’s club, but the cool thing about Phi Taus is that, unlike other fraternities, the focus isn’t so much on binge-drinking and misogynist party-throwing, but loafing around and watching Futurama and Star Trek. Take away the Greek letters, and what you have left is a group of amicable nerds.
In hindsight, I have no business writing a positive article, as evidenced by this failure of a column. There are far too many groups I have yet to unfairly insult and I don’t have much time left. However, I’ll be back to burning bridges and turning off potential employers again next week.

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