Ethan’s Column -jcr -dlh

Ethan Denault

Picture this. You’re at Jim’s, sitting at the bar, nursing your Salty Balls, when all of a sudden the fine young woman next to you picks up her cell phone and begins dialing away. She’s giggling, drinking, and dialing wildly. Who is she calling? It doesn’t matter. Why is she calling? You got it. She’s drunk off her ass.
Horrified, you turn to your mother, who takes you in her muscular arms. You’re scared *******– and it’s not because you’ve just realized your mother has muscular arms. What you’ve witnessed is a classic case of DUI, or as it is called in layman’s terms “Dialing Under the Influence.”
Contrary to the popular views held by many critics, “DUI” is an ancient phenomenon. Harvey Wallbanger, professor of anthro-electronics at BYOB University in Bangor Maine, says that the urge to DUI was encoded in the human deoxyribonucleic acid thousands of years ago. Only recently, with the advent and accessibility of the modern cell phone, did this urge vault into the social limelight. Says Wallbanger:
“In years before the mass consumer demand for cellular phones, ‘Dialing Under the Influence,’ was simply not an issue, and accordingly scientists paid little heed to the one or maybe two reported cases per year. This can be most likely attributed to the rather cumbersome nature of the rotary phone, and the limited ‘reach’ of its sibling, the cordless phone, which stopped many bar patrons from making calls while intoxicated or under the influence of alcohol. Yet Mother Nature was still lurking. It was only a matter of time before technology caught up.”
As we spoke to each other over our new Nokia 6019 Picture cell phones, the slightly trashed professor discussed a particular behavior pattern many scientists now believe points to the fact that the explosion of DUI was simply a product of evolution.
“The human urge to consume alcoholic beverages immediately preceding the placing of a phone call goes way back to our ancient ancestors, the silver-butted chimpanzees. One study, conducted by researchers at the University of Shafter in Australia, found that less than five minutes after ingesting a small dose of Smirnoff Ice, the chimps immediately ran for the nearest banana and began punching it with their index fingers, expressing a zeal closely resembling their human counterparts. From this demonstration we clearly see that humans are predisposed to this type of action, and that it was the cell phone which provided the vehicle for which this innate behavior could manifest itself appropriately.”
In the end one should not be afraid of DUI. In fact it can be very rewarding. I can’t possibly list all the individuals who have come up to me this year and told me how their conception was the product of a DUI incident. Even the famous like to partake in the timeless art of the DUI. Axl Rose, William Shatner, Peter Gillette and Justin Eckl *******– to name a few ******– all hold impressive national and, in the case of Eckl, international DUI records.
So remember, the next time you see someone reaching for that phone, do not be afraid. Reach for yours and reciprocate the beauty of the DUI. After all, it is in your genes. Umm, yeah one more thing. I’d just like to say sorry to a few people in Sage, Trever, Kohler, Hiett, Ormsby, Sabin, Colman and the Swing House my own DUI-ing last week. You were all good sports.

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