God gave honor council precedents -wmd -dlh

William Dalsen

Honor Council chair Pete Snyder revealed today that the Honor Code and its precedents came directly from God.
“It’s golden,” Snyder said. “When Moses came down from the Sinai, he had a third, golden tablet with the honor code and its precedents on it. He strapped it to a camel, and it made its way to the Fox Valley through some mysterious workings of the divine.” Snyder insisted that the Code was legitimate, and that Lawrentians had no choice but to follow it. “You can’t argue with divinity,” Snyder said. “I invite you, as God invites you, to believe in these precedents. Believe, or I’ll smite your heathen ass with a two-letter grade reduction.”
Snyder also commented on the role of intent in Honor Council deliberations. “Really, we are not, nor ever will be measured by the goodness of our intent,” he said. Dean Martha “Messiah” Hemwall, adviser to the Council, said that she took comfort in the narrow path of academic destruction. “Each academic year is like a mini-Rapture,” she said. “We find the sinners against the Code, and on judgment day we send each student’s GPA straight to hell. Hey, all you plagiarizers out there: the time is near!”
Snyder stated that Honor Council serves an important moral role. “Hey, if you have nothing worth dying for, you have nothing worth living for. By destroying GPAs, we give people a reason to die. Think of how that enhances their lives!”
Hemwall noted that any dishonorable infidel can appeal to President Jill Beck ********– called “Jesus Jill” by Council members *********– for salvation from academic damnation. “Really, only through Jill is one freed from judgment and academic death,” she said. Beck was unavailable for comment, though several prayers were made in her name, and one Hail Mary was left on her voicemail.
This latest testament came as a response to Bill Dalsen’s “10 Questions for Honor Council,” published on January 21. Dalsen thought the response was nonsense. “They just think I’m bitter about losing the LUCC election, so they came up with this to fend me off,” he said. “Well, the writing’s on the wall: if I was bitter about that, I would have written a roast-in-hell piece against Joel and masqueraded it as a staff editorial, and then blamed Computer Services for tapping my email account and replacing my nice staff ed with an evil one.” Dalsen stated that Lawrence needs an intrusion detection system, muttered something about Constructivism, and then denied the existence of matter.
Lynn Hagee was unavailable for comment.