To the shock of pundits and students, John Kerry was discovered yesterday campaigning in the Union Grill. The visibly depressed senator acted surprisingly upbeat, recalling a time when his presence in “the home of the Vikings” had drawn significantly more attention. While he acknowledged that the election was “over in the ‘technical’ sense of the word” he would continue the fight for affordable healthcare and a lighter grill menu “all the way to the White House! Or at least, most of the way to 441.” A crowd of fawning professors and disillusioned students gathered around the failed Democratic candidate, who then asked, “Speaking of going most of the way to 441, can anyone drive me there? My bus ran out of gas.” “Remember when I came to Appleton?” inquired the one-time presidential candidate, taking a half-hearted bite out of his chickpea tahini burger. “It was a bit of a blur for me, actually. But I remember there was a lot of cheering.” He added that his Appleton “brats, beer, and cheese” line was great, and that he was sure his stylish Carhartt jacket had really showed the working man “who the *****real***** champion of middle class values… or, I guess, who would have been the champion… of… oh, nevermind.” The senator grinned and pumped a fist into the air, before inexplicably leading a cheer of “3-4-3!” When asked what the cryptic cheer meant, Kerry explained that it costs $343 to fix the broken campaign bus, and if everyone could pass a hat, it would really contribute to the “fight for the working man. A fight that will… No, come on, Fox Valley: help me get home.