satire

Con merges with Lawrence University Lawrence University has made a bold move in proposing to merge with neighbor The Conservatory of Music, becoming a unified academic institution. The joining of the two will stir initial issues concerning socialization, cohabitation, and basic sharing skills, but Lawrence President Jill Beck is hopeful.
The idea was apparently fronted by Beck as an additional effort in her goal to bridge academic and artistic departments and improve residential life. “My inspiration came from my close friend and kindergarten teacher Ms. Perky. I so admired her messages of playing well with others, sharing classroom materials, coloring projects, and snack time. These have really become the foundation of my vision for Lawrence University and our residential campus,” explained Beck.
When asked why she took a particular interest in the Conservatory of Music, Beck said that “sing-along” had always been such a pleasant experience for both students and teachers that she felt by bringing music back into university students’ lives, we would all benefit in the same way.
Reactions from the Con have been hesitant and considering they are simply musicians, administrators are still fretting over an official written reaction. Acting Dean of the Conservatory Jeffrey Stannard said, “Apparently, regardless of our best efforts, our students have been experiencing quite a bit more contact with the university students, intellectual stimulation, ________ than in previous years. Too many boarders have been crossed now… and once the horse is out of the barn, you know.”
Con students have expressed particular concern with the merger. “I just don’t think it will work. We are too different. Didn’t we learn anything from Turkey attempting to join the EU,” asked an… anonymous con student (in reality, we just don’t have a damn clue who he is).

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