Barrett to replace Hollis as “hip” English professor -dlh

Paul Karner

Upon receiving word that Catherine Hollis will be moving to California upon the completion of this academic year, the English faculty was flooded with disconcerted e-mails and phone calls regarding the fate of the department. For the past four years Hollis has graced the English department with her remarkable understanding of western literature, a dynamic teaching personality, and *******– most importantly *******– a hip liberal persona that has provided the English major with its eminent chic appeal.
Students have often gravitated toward Hollis when looking to discuss anything from the avante garde writing in James Joyce’s “A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man,” to the musical underscoring in Wes Anderson’s “Rushmore.”
After an emergency meeting the English faculty members released a statement informing students that the recently hired poetry professor, Faith Barrett, will be fulfilling Hollis’ role as “hip” English professor. “I’m honored and [sarcastically] overjoyed to take on such a position,” Barrett said, “I just hope it doesn’t interfere with my tenure [laughs].”
The transition was set into motion when Barrett was asked to present the Elizabeth Bishop lecture to the freshman studies classes, a task previously in Hollis’ domain. Though the presentation lacked Hollis’ kitschy pop-culture references and dimly-perceived sarcastic jokes, there was definitely a certain level of hipness. Freshman Keely Borland claimed, “[Barrett] has that real chill way of talking that makes you feel cool just listening. You can tell she listens to a lot of Ani [Difranco].”
The English department is relieved to find out that their faculty will continue to maintain a level of cool in the coming years, though the decision was met with some reluctance. Senior English major Kendall Surfus pointed out, “Barrett’s a good find with her sardonic attitude, trippy poetry, and affinity for curse words, but Hollis had that tattoo that was just so dec.” Hollis assured students that she will also be handing over her slot on WLFM and that Barrett will soon be able to chew the fat about any underappreciated rock group brought up in or out of class.
“I’ve enjoyed my time here at Lawrence and there are certainly no hard feelings,” said Hollis, smoking an American Spirit and nodding appreciatively to the Pixies song playing in the background, ” I just gotta get out of the Midwest, [exhales, flicks cigarette] you know what I mean?” When questioned about the transition Goldgar didn’t get it.