Former LUCC President Joel Rogers formally resigned from office today, even though his term ended a month ago. “It is the greatest misfortune in these challenging times that I must take up my burdens and exercise the free will of my forefathers ********– yes, I’m on Jesse Jackson’s Rolodex *********– in leaving this sacred office for places far removed from its import,” he said. Rogers, after dropping another five names, cited student apathy as the primary motivation for his resignation. Steve Wulf, assistant professor of government, commented on student apathy. “Yeah, well, I mean, in North Korea everyone does jumping jacks. Well why is that? It’s because jumping jacks take your attention away from Twinkies, and when your attention is relegated from Twinkies to jumping jacks, what happens? No crack whores. And what does that feel like? Yeah, go club a baby seal, and then you’ll feel like a crack whore without Twinkies.” LUCC has encountered increasing student apathy in recent years. Professor Christian Grose put the solution simply. “Ya’ll need to watch C-SPAN,” he said. President Beck took a different view: “What we need here is individualized instruction,” she said. Students also had various reactions to the resignation. The College Republicans insisted that a tax break would reinvigorate student participation, while the Students for Leftist Action chanted “No blood for oil!” outside the LUCC chambers. The College Democrats offered John Kerry ********– who was spotted campaigning in the Union Grill ********– as a motivational speaker. Former LUCC Vice President Tariq Engineer thought all three solutions were inadequate. “Just ’cause you put a cat in an oven don’t make it a biscuit,” he said. “They are all tools. We need the A-Team to fix this problem. I pity the foo’ who is apathetic.” Lynn Hagee was unavailable for comment.