Republicans win Downer veggie vote -dlh

The Republican Party managed to shock food services staff and the campus at large by pulling 56 percent of the recent vegetable vote at Downer Commons. The weeklong vote sought to encourage students to consume more vegetables by asking students to vote on their favorite vegetable dish at each meal. Despite the fact that Republicans never showed up on the ballots, they still managed to earn an overwhelming majority of the vote, defeating the predicted winner, corn.
“Frankly, we weren’t surprised with the results,” says College Republican President Jan Hand. “We believe that Lawrence students identify with our strong family values, fiscal responsibility, and our ability to really spice up a stir fry. The Republican party understands the needs of the American people, while both Democrats and sweet potatoes are simply out of touch with mainstream America.”
Food services director Lynn Hagee was taken aback. “We never expected anything but a vegetable to win. Clearly, American citizens must feel very strongly about the Republican Party in order for so many people to write in Republican on their ballots. Believe you me, there are a lot of vegetables that will need to totally revamp their image before the next election.”
Meanwhile, considerable dissent has surfaced over the election results. Students for Leftist Action has been tabling in Downer recently, asking students to sign a petition that would ask LUCC to declare the election results invalid. “We have reason to believe that certain voters were disenfranchised during the election. We’ve seen members of the College Republicans convincing minority students that they couldn’t vote because they could not name all the ingredients found in the Italian medley. We will not stand for this abuse of the election process.”
The results of the vegetable poll are the latest indicator that the majority of Americans identify strongly with the image that the Republican Party has projected. After winning a majority in both the House and the Senate last November, Republicans have now taken control of Downer’s vegetable department.
“We are beginning to plan our agenda, says Jan Hand, “we are currently looking into importing cheaper vegetables from Canada, which will ease the burden on our senior citizens. Also, we plan to cut the budget for ‘liberal’ vegetable purchases by 37 percent, which will make room for our up-and-coming poster vegetable, ketchup.