In a surprise move, Lawrence University’s oldest newspaper, ***The Lawrentian***, has declared itself to be “the best newspaper in the history of the planet Earth.” The statement was made in the most recent issue of *****The Lawrentian*****.
Outgoing *** Lawrentian*** editor-in-chief Peter Gillette interviewed incoming opinions/editorials editor Peter Gillette last week about the claim.
“Yeah, we thought that it was about time we stopped skirting around the issue. I mean, everyone already knows we’re the best, and by proclaiming this fact, no, this universal ***law***, we only stand to further improve our reputation,” says Gillette, “I mean, you don’t see ***The New York Times*** or ***The Boston Globe*** claiming to be the best, do you? Of course not! They’re a bunch of pussy willows! It’s just like Chuang-Tzu says, ‘What makes them so? Making them so makes them so.’ ***The Lawrentian*** is the best because we ***say*** we’re the best!”
***The Lawrentian***’s claim was first reported in ***The Lawrentian*** itself, a fact that seems to bolster the credibility of the claim in the eyes of the journalism community. Andrew Oppman, editor-in-chief of ***The Post-Crescent*** comments, “Man, the fact that ***The Lawrentian*** got the exclusive story about ***The Lawrentian*** is such a boost to its reputation. At first I was skeptical about that claim, but now I’m beginning to see where they’re coming from.”
While this sudden boast seems to have come from nowhere, ***The Lawrentian***’s appeal has grown steadily the entire year. Hard-hitting stories like “Former president Warch kills 7, then himself” and “Chemistry department has underground meth lab” have contributed to ***The Lawrentian***’s credibility, while special-interest stories like “Julie McQuinn is everyone’s favorite human being” have given the newspaper a wider appeal.
Here on campus, ***Lawrentian*** writers and editors have been seen walking around with a new swagger in their step. “This is going to look **so*** good on my resume!” said A&E editor Paul Karner. “I’m finally going to be able to make it into Harvard’s vacuum cleaner repair program!”
The admissions office has also jumped on ***The Lawrentian***’s recent announcement. Dean of Admissions Steve Syverson explains, “This distinction, one in a long line of distinctions Lawrence has received, will help us to further attract the most skilled and motivated students. I mean, why go to a shit-hole like Oberlin when you can come to the school with the greatest newspaper in the history of man? Between this announcement and the elimination of those damned SATs, we expect to overtake Harvard within the next five years.”
Indeed, it seems that there is no end in sight to ***The Lawrentian***’s reign of power. The paper’s new editor-in-chief, Katharine Enoch, comments, “Now that we have proclaimed our belief that we are more popular than Jesus, we’re ready to move into the realm of politics. Vote ***The Lawrentian*** in 2008!
***Lawrentian*** declares itself ‘best newspaper ever’ -dlh
