The entire campus rejoiced last weekend as the first floor of Hiett Hall declared its secession from the rest of the university. The move was welcomed by residents of first floor, who felt that their right to party was being infringed upon, and the rest of the campus, which wants nothing to do with those people.
First floor residents posted a sign on the front doors last Friday declaring their secession, along with a list of 95 grievances, including “A failure to provde [sic] adaqute [sic] space for our rippin [sic] keggerz [sic]” and “deenyng [sic] our right to excreet [sic] wherever we wont [sic].”
Hiett residence hall director Dave Macauley seems pleased with the sudden change. “Yeah, we’ve had some serious issues between first floor and the other residents, but this new arrangement is totally sweet! Boo-yah! First floor is now totally autonomous. Awesome! I understand they’ve already chosen a leader for their tribe, err, community. Woot!”
This new leader is Blane Nestin, who has earned the respect of his community through his success at air hockey and beer die. He has taken the position of alpha male among the first floor residents, and rumors suggest he plans to build an enormous bar that will stock both Hamm’s and Old Style brand beers. Unfortunately, ***The Lawrentian*** was not able to obtain an interview with Nestin, as his voicemail is not set up.
However, eyewitnesses have described the situation on first floor as both “savage” and “primal.” While accounts vary, there have been confirmed sightings of residents scrounging through the garbage for pizza crusts and condoms, piles of feces littering the lounges, and what one witness has called “a Mt. Everest of beer cans.” All signs indicate that the residents of the first floor seem to be modeling their behavior after chimpanzee communities.
Lawrence professor of psychology Peter Glick commented, “These students have regressed to a mindset remarkably similar to that of our hunter/gatherer ancestors. Notice how all the males immediately defer to the alpha male in decisions regarding food and sex. These residents spend an enormous amount of their time simply eating and drinking the provisions that they collect, with the rest of the time spent sleeping or vomiting.”
“Many of the students are exhibiting behaviors that indicate they have lost the sense of decency that is necessary to live in civilized society,” added Glick. “These behaviors include a total disregard for other people and the inability to enjoy anything but the most carnal of pleasures.”
The administration has made no official statement on the Hiett situation, but Dean of Students Nancy Truesdell has been heard to comment that she doesn’t expect the first floor residents to survive another winter.
1st Floor Hiett secedes from campus -dlh
