The recent discovery of oil at LU’s beloved Bjrklunden estate in scenic Door County roused concern all over campus. The subsequent fleet of government sedans and Suburbans inundating the quiet campus streets, and rumors of midnight meetings in LU President Jill Beck’s home, raised further alarm. Faculty members have been extremely vocal about the cloak and dagger nature of Beck’s late-night meetings with oil tycoons and government officials. “The dearth of transparency here is outrageous!” railed English Professor Karen Hoffmann. “No one has any idea what’s going on!” Professors are also extremely wary of a potential partnership that would allow for oil exploration of the Door County property. “‘Looking to further the level of higher education offered at this fine institution,’ my ass!” said John Dreher, a professor in the philosophy department, apropos of a press release given by a representative of the Carlyle Group. Some professors, deciding to take a more proactive approach, are attempting to create a three-eared squirrel that, as the only one of its kind, would qualify for endangered species status. This would allow the land to be given wildlife refuge status and be saved from oil exploration. “Why couldn’t the dumb squirrels already on the property just have three ears?” bemoaned the yet unsuccessful geneticists in LU’s science department. During the first press conference explaining the forthcoming partnership, Beck addressed questions and concerns from the LU community. “First of all, let me just say that my motives here aren’t dubious. I’m trying to get paid! I have been hired in large part because I’m a producer,” Beck explained to the crowd. “Sure I care about learning things, but I’m here to increase this university’s positive cash flow.” Answering challenges that Bjrklunden was both instrumental in the cultivation of knowledge, and a place of magic and wonder where students could explore their bodies and drink for cheap at the Blue Ox, Beck countered that, “it’s all far away and stuff.” She continued proudly by noting that, “there’s a park right down the street from the con. And students simply can buy their alcohol at Flanagan’s and drink there.” As of this report, a deal with Carlyle has been finalized. Though Beck sees this new partnership with the military-industrial complex as a victory, she feels that her crusade is far from over. Beck has since set her sights on the liquidation of more modest university assets in the hopes of increasing cash reserves. Her eBay business has already sold the university’s scepter, some rare books from the library’s Lincoln Room, and some shitty A.V. equipment from the union.