This week, instead of addressing a random question from James Antony, I’ve decided to share some words of wisdom from one of my favorite (joke) artists (joke), Pete Wentz. I intend to demonstrate the ways in which Pete Wentz’s relationship with Jessica Simpson’s sister displays all the qualities of an ideal relationship, namely mutual respect, intellectual connection based upon shared values and interests, and opportunity for individual gain.
For those of you who do not know, Wentz writes songs with really long titles for this band he’s in, but he mostly enjoys wearing tight pants, straightening his hair and making MTV videos about the proper application of eyeliner for males, which is actually one of the most positive contributions he’s made to the global community. He also manages to dodge questions about his sexuality by constantly being photographed with his girlfriend, Jessica Simpson’s sister.
This is his first romantic behavior worth emulating. He has entered a relationship with someone who is actually less talented and successful than he, but possibly a little more famous. This allows him to gain notoriety without actually losing any credibility among pre-teens. Wentz’s choice of mate is one we should all consider during times when we need to boost our public visibility while still maintaining our overall image. By choosing someone without any significant personality traits, it is easy to mold them into worse versions of ourselves. This way, people will realize how great we are in comparison.
Because you and your prospective mate will eventually start to dress in matching all black outfits, you will not lose any street cred with your hardcore punk friends from the suburbs. The biggest benefit to the relationship is that the two of you will also be able to share hair products, which is a huge plus, because you will need a lot of hair products to plaster your hair to your head, and now most airlines only allow you one carry-on. When the two of you take trips together, you need only pack one hair straightener and several pairs of tight jeans, because you can share these things!
Pete and his girlfriend provide an excellent model for a relationship in which both people reap enormous benefits without having to actually like each other.
Pete Wentz is clearly a literary man, which he displays through his wry ability to write long, clever song titles. Some people say these song titles sound like the kind of thing a seventeen-year-old boy would pithily remark while playing video games with his friends and complaining about his un-hip mom. This flies in the face of poetic sensibility.
These song titles are pure works of poetic genius that often express Pete’s true romantic intentions. For instance, the song, “I’m Like A Lawyer With the Way I’m Always Trying to Get You Off” — never mind that I cannot decide whether or not that is a grammatically correct statement — indicates that Pete genuinely cares about the desires of the woman in his life. Believing this interests all men, is probably something women fool themselves into thinking
Pete is a man who understands the meaning of true love, which is indicated by a song that I might dare to refer to as a modern sonnet (even if the traditional sonnet form is actually not present at all), called, “If It’s Not A Side Effect of the Cocaine, I Think It Must Be Love.” I know many great lovers, most of whom I met in high school, who have probably felt the same way.
There is one song called, “I’ve Got A Dark Alley and A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song),” but I am willing to give Pete the benefit of the doubt on this one and assume that it is about some idiot who hit on his girlfriend at a totally scene summer basement party in a neighborhood filled with dark alleys that are not really unsafe, but sketchy enough to give hipsters street cred for living there.
My personal favorite is entitled, “Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for my Sham Friends,” which I am trying to work into an offensive party theme, but actually has little to do with the theme of this column.
Next week, the real secret to Pete Wentz’s success.
Just Give Up
