Ethan’s Column -wmd -dlh

Ethan Denault

Something is brewing in Appleton and it might get ugly. No, the Chinese restaurants are not going at it again, and no, it sure isn’t the aftershocks of my botched attempt to promote a wax Japanese swim team. It appears, folks, that organic produce is taking this small town by storm, thanks to the possibility of Lawrence University cultivating one of the largest “au natural” gardens in the county.
Organic produce, for those unfamiliar with fad, is simply produce cultivated in its most pure state: no pesticides, no Miracle Grow, no fertilizer which has been tainted by the laboratory *********– no nothing. Organic food thrives only on sun, rain and a little tender loving care from dutiful overseers who, in most cases, attended and survived both Woodstocks.
In order for an organic garden to flourish it has to be strategically located in order to allow for maximum exposure to the sun, rain and other natural stimulants. And where better to place this little drop of heaven than at the bottom of Union Hill.
For as long as I can remember, the bottom of Union Hill, like several other bottoms on this campus, has been a true eyesore. It really has no purpose other than to provide a place where faculty members can host the occasional class during the spring term. Even then, with the bugs and rough grass it really takes a toll on the student’s ability to function intellectually. Therefore, no second thoughts should be considered when planting an organic garden there *******– especially in light of the fact that my insightful pitch to establish a Lawrence University Nudist Colony in the same spot was shot down for the umpteenth time last week.
Yet even though Lawrence University has one of the best spots for an organic garden, there are several questions which must be taken into account before the actual groundbreaking can take place. Here are a few more important inquiries future gardeners must consider.1. What type plant life will be grown? Will the Spanish Fly’s voracious growth pattern block the sunlight from the cannabis stock?
2. Where will the wine grapes and Chinook hops be situated in relation to the aforementioned crops? Remember, room must be left for the LU microbrewery as well.
3. What about the agave plants? How will they be preserved during the winter?
4. Also, it is common knowledge that deer display a fondness towards gardens. While it is safe to assume that a few harmless deer roaming the campus pose no immediate threat, what about the possibility of a redneck community establishing itself at the bottom of Union Hill to hunt the deer? What if they break into the microbrewery?
5. How will Appleton’s tremendous homeless population be dealt with? For instance, how will Lawrence deal with the homeless individuals who find their way into the garden in search of a free b— hit? Will campus security thus be required to carry around organic pepper spray too?
6. Coinciding with this, how will Lawrence keep Justin Eckl out of the “Nathan Pusey Memorial Tasting Center,” located at the front entrance of the microbrewery? Will security need to carry Tasers at all times?

These are all important and necessary questions which need to be addressed.
On the positive side, creating an organic garden will ensure Lawrence students easy access to healthy forms of plant life while at the same time providing a place for the campus hippies to frolic and reproduce in a positive environment.
Thus it appears that once some initial startup questions are resolved, planting an organic garden will prove to be tremendously beneficial to students, hippies, and rednecks. Still, if the garden fails there is still the possibility of a nudist colony…
This column is dedicated to the beast *******– Mr. Mansavage. Our thoughts are with you.