Hippo City

James Eric Prichard

As any photo poll could tell you, campus has changed a lot since the end of last year, especially with respect to personnel. The Lawrence administration seems to have solved the question of who is to be the new Paul Shrode, and is looking for the new Dean Thayer.Characters are changing on the national stage as well. Ron Paul is the new Dennis Kucinich, at least as far as his hilariousness in appearance and illegitimacy as a candidate. Kucinich, of course, was the new Ross Perot in 2004.

Technology is also changing. Email is the new instant message, while instant messaging is the new voicemail. Television is the new radio, magazines are the new TV, and newspapers are the new magazines. The Internet is the new newspaper and USA Today should not be delivered to our dorms five times a week.

JPGs are the new DOCs, YouTube is the new LiveJournal, Twitter is the new Xanga, and Lolcats are the equivalent of 16-year old pizza-faces cracking each other up with their “randomness” by saying, “Ni.”

Speaking of pizza-faces, they have been replaced by goatees, while hats not worn when playing baseball are the new goatees. Bowl cuts are the new mullets and Mohawks are the new bowl cuts. Sideburns are the new mustaches and while I wouldn’t say that shaving is the new combing, I would say that dance punk is the new pop punk.

WLFM is the new Tropos, Tropos is the new Ariel, and Ariel is the new zoo book. The sophomores on campus are the new juniors, the juniors the new seniors, and for better or for worse seniors are now the new freshmen. For the upperclassmen, working is the new sleeping and sleeping is the new partying. This development leaves little time for anything else, which is why biking is the new walking and driving is the new biking. Talking has become the new reading for all graduation years.

Someone told me that Delts are the new Phi Delts, and although I don’t know enough to validate this claim it seems to have some veracity. This change would make Phi Delts the new Sig Eps, because as we all know, Sig Eps are the new Betas. Speaking of Betas, it appears that LUST is the new Rowing Club while Cross Country is the new LUST. Crew is confronted by an existential openness, a freedom in the nothing that allows them to be whatever they desire. Ultimate is still more fun than any of the above (according to scientists).

Hiett used to be a New Hiett but might turn out to be the Old Hiett. Sage is the new New Hiett because I live there now, and Chicago is the new Ormsby. SoundBoard House is the new Swing House and Swing House has lost everything it once had. The Grill has become the new dinner at Lucy’s, and 1910 Sausage Co. is the new Erbert’s and Gerbert’s. Erb’s and Gerb’s is the same, so I guess there are two of them now. Hungry Howie’s is a riddle wrapped up in an enigma, which kind of scares me but I might give it a shot.

Kyle Dallman is purportedly the new Gabe Davila. Zach Patrick-Riley’s column makes him appear to be the new me, and others say that he is the new Niko Radoshevich, but I believe that all three of us are singular gems, although if I don’t start acting nicer I might turn into the new Aaron Jubb.