Love, Indubitably

James Eric Prichard

(Brent Schwert)

Dear Dr. Eric,
There is a rumor going around that I have an STD. As you can imagine, my game is seriously being hampered. How can I keep these freshmen from saying I have herpes?
— “Rico”Dear “Rico,”
If this is who I think it is (and I’m pretty sure I’m right), the “rumor” is probably true.
Unfortunately, much of Lawrence still stigmatizes STIs. You will have to face ignorant prejudices when all you want is a little action. You can, however, overcome these prejudices.
You should start by staying away from those that know you well and are prejudiced against herpes.
If you reach a girl before the gossip does, you can make an impression good enough to make her doubt the gossip when she hears it. Even people who have heard the rumor might be swayed if you approach by telling them up front that you have herpes. These girls will think your comment so absurd that it must be a joke, and accordingly hook up with you. The best part of this method is that if they are infected, you are morally and legally blameless because you technically told the truth.
Eventually, however, everyone on campus will have heard about your festers. Try being discrete. A woman is much more likely to spend time with you if she knows that no one else will hear about it.

Dear Readers,
This column is my last of the year. I want to give some final relationship advice in case I never have the opportunity again: stop holding hands; don’t cuddle in public; don’t whisper to each other; stop dating someone boring; remember that everyone is replaceable – especially you, especially him, especially her; stop thinking that you were made for each other; don’t think that your partner is anything more than a distraction; stop fixing relationships that should stay broken; stop loving and don’t annoy me.

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